Saturday, February 26, 2005

Countdown to Catheter 2005

Take a glance at my belly. No, not there. A little higher. Thank you. Just below my navel, to either side, are scars from previous kidney transplants. They're still visible, but buried within the folds of my psyche are scars of a different nature, the ones that no one sees...

I remember vividly throwing up in the middle of English in seventh grade. I just happened to be sitting next to the loudest mouth in the class, Emilie. I was using all my muscles to hold back my breakfast, but a small amount of vomit spewed out and landed on my backpack.

"Mr. Denivi, someone's throwing up!"

Mr. Denivi has spoken to my mother about my health situation, so he calmly replied, "It's ok Emilie. Everything's going to be ok."

He was one of my favorite teachers from those years because, like any good teacher, he made the entire learning process entertaining. He had already written my permission slip as I quickly passed him, attempting to escape with my breakfast and dignity intact.

Before my second kidney transplant, my sister stepped up and volunteered to endure all the endless testing to determine is she was eligible to give me another fresh start on life. We were both lying on separate gurneys, side by side. I was feeling rather nervous so they injected some "happy juice" into my IV to help me relax and prepare for the surgery. For some reason they didn't administer any to my sister Amy. I glanced over and all I could see were tears welling up in her eyes. It dawned on me that I was causing my baby sister undue pain. I still haven't forgiven myself.

So here I am again, undergoing surgery to keep myself alive. It's embarrassing, humiliating. Another scar that will never heal.

If you clicked on the title of the blog above, you have a clear idea of what I'm going to go through. I've felt like a freak ever since I went back on dialysis back in May of 2004, and now I'm going to be a freak with a tube sticking out of his abdomen.

I probably should think of the positives associated with this surgery. I now present The Top 5 Reasons Having a Catheter is Cool:

5) If I get tired of using the catheter for dialysis, I can simply hook it up to my car and change the oil, saving myself $23.50.

4) I can store cool beverages like Coca-Cola and Snapple in my belly so I'll never be thirsty.

3) Just like in Star Trek, I could connect myself to the most powerful computer imaginable and take over the world.

2) There has to be a subculture of women out there who are turned on by guys with long...catheter tubing. I could be their king.

1) Extra added bonus of sympathy from beautiful neckish women.

Quite a transitional blog today. It began rather depressing and filled to the rim with self-loathing and ended with dopey comedy.

That's my kinda blog.

I have no ending, so I take a small bow.

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