Monday, March 14, 2005

The Catheter Chronicles III: Electric Boogaloo

God officially has a score to settle with me.

Sure, I don't believe in God, for it has been years since I've seen His existence in any form of life on this planet.

But I still think He's pissed.

Today was supposed to be a grand day, the kind of day you tell your grandchildren about, the kind of day that turns your entire life around. This was supposed to be the day that I could count down the days until hemodialysis (refresher: dialysis with burning needles at a clinic three times a week for three hours at a time) would end in my life.

Sigh.

The training started off great. After about 45 minutes Dr. Ron (who was pleasant enough) had introduced me to an entire cycle of peritoneal dialysis (refresher: dialysis done 4 to 5 times a day in the peritoneal cavity WITHOUT NEEDLES).

But then the tragedy began.

We tried to put about 500 cc's of fluid into my peritoneal cavity with less than pleasant results.

"Is this going to burn?" I asked.

"No, you shouldn't feel anything but a little pres..."

"OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!"

Yeah, that was me yelling. I believe I was more shocked than anything.

"...you shouldn't feel anything..."

It felt as though someone was shoving a hot poker into my gut,as though I was being punished for negative past deeds.

Dr. Ron then tried to administer heparin to break up any clots that might have formed in the tubing. That was painful as well. We called my regular dialysis doctor and she said she would call back before the end of the day with an answer as to what our next step should be.

That was 10 hours ago.

I'm going to go through my mundane workday tomorrow hoping I receive a phone call with some form of good news.

So the whole experience was extremely disappointing. This was supposed to allow me to travel, to take back my Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights to go out to dinner, or work out, or just lie around and watch "The Incredibles" for the 12th time.

Here's a little tip: if you're thinking of naming your son or daughter Stacy, Stacey, Stacee, Staci, Stacie or Stay See, save your child the future humiliation of a life that never quite drives straight on the road of life. Take Johnny Cash's advice and name them "...Bill, or John...anything but Sue!"

I guess I should be happy for small blessings. The dialysis clinic now has a DVD player, so I brought my DVD copy of "The Incredibles" and watched the whole thing while dialysis dripped by. If you have not see this film and you wish to have your eyes filled with images of family, hilarity, silliness, regret and the possibility of greatness and what makes one special, view this film immediately!

I think I need some squiggly.

Here's hoping The Catheter Chronicles IV: The Voyage Home has a better ending.

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