Thursday, March 03, 2005

Catheter Eve

This time tomorrow I will officially be a bonafide freak.

It's 1:30 in the morning on the eve of my catheter surgery and I can't sleep. Part of me wants to cancel the surgery and just continue with the painful and horrific needles three times a week. Deep down, in the bowels of my soul, I feel as though I deserve to continue with hemodialysis. Being stuck three times a week, burning for three hours at a time, is poetic justice in the eyes of fate.

I stopped talking to God a long, long time ago, so I don't believe it's retribution from Him. How can you be angry with someone you don't talk to? I'm not a perfect individual by any means, but I haven't committed any atrocities, especially not anywhere near the level of those we incarcerate.

So why is this happenning?

I wondered for a time if maybe this path was set out for me so I could find the one I was to spend the rest of my life with.

I discovered long ago that nurses aren't into flirting with patients. At least the sane one's aren't.

My credit has fallen into disrepair because of all the medical bills, I haven't bought a new shirt in two years and I relax on a couch purchased for $50 from a friend who had used up its uselessness.

So what is the point to my existence you may ask?

When I first started talking about my condition on the radio, people who were trying to live with illness came out of the corners of the county to talk with me.

Some even said I inspired them.

This came as quite a shock.

When you're cruising through your life, just trying to get by, just trying to stay alive, that's called survival. Inspiring others had nothing to do with it.

But I appreciated every person I spoke to, because without even verbalizing it, these people told me I wasn't alone.

And sometimes that's all you need to hear.

1 comment:

  1. Well Stacy with an E you are very brave. I was Blog surfing, when I came on yours. I hope that you try to think positive. Listen to music, it helps me!! I will try to come back, and visit yer blog-K! Good luck, no worries!!! ONE LOVE-
    mellow :)