Wednesday, March 16, 2005

The "E" I Don't Have Stands for "E"nough

Since I didn't think it could hurt, and I probably needed to leave my apartment for my own sanity, I rejoined my old health club.

And minutes after I arrived yesterday, I remembered why I quit in the first place.

Every cliche I despised about my health club were in attendance, simply fulfilling their roles in my nightmatrish memory of their existence.

Let me try to explain. I go to the health club to improve my chances of dealing with my present health condition. I don't go to deal with humanity. In fact, I'd prefer if you'd simply ignore me. In return, I'll do the same for you. A fair enough deal for both of us I believe.

But some of you are frickin' idiots.

What follows is the list of cliched people who only seem to attend the health club when I do.

And I hate you all.

1) "The Grunter"

This guy is simply desperate for attention. Every time he does a rep with whatever neandarthal weight he's lifting, he grunts. Loudly. It sometimes sounds like he's pleasuring himself with each thrust. I'd love to take one of those weights, although I probably couldn't lift it, and drop it on his head.

I bet he grunts then.

2) "The Breather"

This guy is a close relative of "The Grunter". Since he's attempting to breathe correctly while he's lifting, he does so by making his exhalation as loud as freakin' possible. Hey look moron, I can breathe too. I just had an onion and garlic bagel. I think I'll exhale on you. Loudly. Just to mock you and your actions you twit.

3) "The Poser"

I usually am on the treadmill for anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes, so I have the time to observe this individual. You obviously went out shopping so you could look good at the club because you're wearing the nicest workout outfit possible. You get on the treadmill for maybe eight, nine minutes and then you simply grab your stuff and leave.

I wish I were you, with your magically enhanced metabolism and ability to shove an entire workout into less than a quarter of an hour. These people usually do this so when people ask what they did over the weekend they can respond, "Oh, I worked out." No you didn't nimrod. And wipe off the damn equipment for God's sake. Sheesh.

By the way, that leads me to...

4) The Oaf

The Oaf doesn't necessarily have to be overweight and slobbish. Just lazy. The Oaf usually sweats a lot because they're actually trying to lose some weight and get in shape.

But once they're done on whatever piece of equipment they've sweat upon, THEY JUST WALK AWAY. Even when your sweat dries, it's not going to all evaporate. You could have a cold, flu, the crabs, maybe herpes. Listen Oaf, I don't want your herpes.

This drives me freaking insane.

Where did common courtesy go in this country? Where did the assumption come from that you're too cool to walk your oafish ass over to the towel dispenser and use the disenfectant.?

5) The Expert

This individual thinks that their way of working out is the only way. And they'll let you know this even if you didn't ask for their help. I've been working out for the last decade, so please take your knowledge and stick it in those sweaty pits of yours.

6) The Judge

These people always need to feel better than you in the health club and they feed their ego by judging just how much you're working out. I just started back on a program yesterday because I had surgery TWO WEEKS AGO. I'm not up to my normal schedule. You don't know this, but you turn your nose up because you can do two minutes more on the treadmill than I can.

And the Judge is usually this fat slob who must go straight for the Super Size moments after they leave. Take your fat ass and waddle on over to the snack bar because that's where you seem more suited.

7) The Queen

When people move about the health club and they're attractive, I will glance. I do you the courtesy of not staring, just glancing. Sometimes I'll glance two or three times because I appreciate your appearance and how much you work on your body. I don't look your way to receive a dirty look indicating I'm not good enough for you. When you respond with your nose turned up in the air, everything I believed was beautiful about you totally evaporates.

The saddest part of all of this is that I pay a monthly fee to spend time with these people.

So what does that make me?

The Fool.

1 comment:

  1. I watched a 20/20 special recently where they swabbed different public places in the gym & did a culture in a Petri dish. They most commonly found E. Coli, followed by Candidia, Staph and wonderful other critters on handles, seats, floors, etc. Wear gloves or bring disinfecting wipes. Nasties abound in these places. Now if that does motivate you :)(: