Monday, April 25, 2005

Eye Do Believe Eye'm Right

You can discover everything you need to know about a person simply by peering into their eyes.

It's simple really. Let me demonstrate.

Tonight was an overwhelmingly painful dialysis treatment. The lidocaine felt like burning fire tempting it's way into my skin. The 16 gauge needles infiltrated my arm and made it their home. The entire procedure made me wish I could cut my arm off at the socket and allow it to live with the pain, not me.

If that wasn't bad enough, this elderly gentleman who sits all the way across the clinic, with his greying beard and follicle challenged head, looked as though he wanted to vomit.

In his eyes, I could see that he thought me less than a man.

Every day, when I come into work, the adorable receptionist with the raven hair and perfect breasts, greets me with a smile.

In her eyes, I see her lack of experience. How she hasn't lived enough to have an opinion on anything. How her heart hasn't been pulled from her chest and left on the side of Interstate 5 near old fast food wrappers and used hypodermic needles.

As I walk to my office, I pass by one of the saleswomen's cubicles. Every day she greets me with a smile and her voice nearly sings when she says my name.

In her eyes, I see how cute she thinks I am. How she wishes I would talk to her more. How she hopes I'll attend when she invites me to a little gathering she's having this Saturday.

It's the next morning and I'm shaving. I splash on one last layer of water and I look into my own eyes.

In my eyes, I see...

...how tired I am of taking orders from a complete and utter idiot.

...how much I'd really like to be the person everyone loves on the air.

...how little of myself I recognize anymore.

...how I obsess about the Golden Gate Bridge and the freedom it holds neatly between its twin towers.

...how ashamed I am at how I have allowed my life to become this joyless, traumatic wonder.

...how I wish a plane would crash nose first into my apartment, and take that noisy idiot upstairs with me.

...how I wish I were dead.

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