Thursday, April 07, 2005

Fill-In Blogger: My Toaster Oven

(Stacy Without an E is presently in the hospital having surgery on his dialysis catheter. About this time he's probably eating lime Jello and wondering why the patient in the bed next to him can't seem to stop farting. We all wish him well. In his place while he's out is his toaster oven. Enjoy!)

Jesus, I'm so glad that freaks frickin' gone.

(Stacy's toaster oven opens his glass door as his volume increases.)

Goddamnit it's so booooring here. I sit on my fat ass here on the counter and make toast. I'm a frickin' toaster oven goddmanit! I can bake and broil and do twenty other things this idiot never uses. Loser bachelor.

And you think he'd give me some company here on the counter! I get pretty goddamn lonely. Buy a regular toaster. Get yourself a hot blender. Give me something to flirt with goddamnit.

(Stacy's Toaster Oven's slider grills shelves begin to rattle as his anger grows.)

And the movies he watches...Jee-zuss Chirst-o-rama! Who the hell wants to watch the frickin' Star Wars movies...again! Dude has a boner for light sabers or something. And if I have to watch "Airplane!" one more goddamn time I'm gonna burn down this poor excuse for an apartment!

Okay. Sorry. You're right. I'm pretty pissed off. Why couldn't I be some Hollywood celebrity's toaster oven? No, I end up in this hell hole staring at the pale oven. I'm not into big appliances so it's a big frickin' waste of my time.

I guess before I wrap up filling in for Stacy Without an E, and a life, I should say something profound.

Fuck Proctor-Silex.

Thank you and good night.

(The proprieter's of Stacy Without An E's blog wish to apologize for the preceding blog. We knew we should have asked the microwave to fill in.)


  1. Dear Mr Toaster Oven,

    I personally believe that toaster ovens are 847% more useful than regular toasters. Not only can you use them for five-billion different non-bread products, but say you butter your toast and desire the butter to melt a fair bit more than it already has? Just slide it into the still-warmed toaster oven (being you.) Anyway, I don't think you appreciate your owner nearly enough and I would appreciate it if you would relay the message to him that I wish him an abnormally delightful stay in the hospital, free from the crusty jello they love to serve, and highlighted with a swift and as painless as possible recovery.

  2. I wish him an abnormally delightful stay in the hospital, oster toaster oven convection