Monday, April 04, 2005

"I Believe," Bellowed Stacy

When was the last time you actually stopped, looked yourself straight in the eye and and stood by your beliefs?

Nobody may have asked, but I will do so now:

--- I believe all this communication technology may be neat-o, but it's slowly stealing our humanity.

--- I believe that you don't need to shove your tongue down my throat for me to fully appreciate kissing you.

--- I believe most music today is overprocessed, underwritten and excruciating to listen to.

--- I believe Butter Pecan ice cream just before bedtime can balance out an incredibly crappy day.

--- I believe short-haired women are much more attractive than long-haired women. And they're usually more fun to be around.

--- Satellite radio will eventually overwhelm the industry I hold so dear.

--- I believe trampling the Constitution for your own personal agenda is grotesque.

--- I believe Winona Ryder will eventually write me back.

--- I believe contemporary organized religion will eventually and completely doom us all.

--- I believe the true worth of a friend can be measured in how long they visit you in the hospital, even if they're frightened to death of being in one.

--- I believe most people in management positions are complete and utter imbecile's.

--- I believe George Carlin is undeniably the most entertaining creative genius I've ever had the pleasure of paying $15 to see.

--- I believe the Pittsburgh Steelers will win a Super Bowl while my Dad and I are still alive to enjoy it together.

--- I believe most women are angels, and the rest of us are schmucks.

--- I believe Ryan Seacrest should shut the hell up.

--- I believe you can't truly appreciate your life until you've stared death in the face.

--- I believe future generations will look back on contemporary medical practices and turn their eyes away at how barbaric all of it truly is.

--- I believe most of what is featured in the many incarnations of "Star Trek" will come true. Except "Enterprise." God that show was awful.

--- I believe nothing tastes better than a BBQ'd hamburger during summertime in Northern California.

--- I believe most people would wilt if they had to live my life for a week.

--- I believe one of the most important jobs on the planet is being a good parent.

--- I believe liberalism causes more ills than it solves.

--- I believe if most people would just lie out in the sun for a couple hours every few days, they wouldn't need all these anti-depression medications.

--- I believe it will take years and years for people to really appreciate how much South Park is pure satirical genius.

--- I believe Larry King is a poorly built android.

--- I believe we're being watched more often by the government and less by an invisible man in the sky that floats on a cloud and judges everything we do.

--- I believe white guys who shave their heads when they lose three hairs look like clueless Neo-Nazi's.

--- I believe Ben Affleck should quit making movies. Period.

--- I believe aliens are watching us, but they're just not that impressed by what they're seeing.

--- I believe if people just started eating more, oh, what are they called now...FRUITS AND VEGETABLES, a good percentage of our health problems would disappear.

--- I believe I'm one of those guys who has terrible luck with women because my soul is waiting for "the one".

--- I believe Indian casinos are an indirect way for Indians to be paid back for what our ancestors did to their land.

--- I believe if a candidate for political office honestly and truthfully said what was on his or her mind, the entire system would collapse.

--- I believe hard core, incurable criminals should undergo painful dialysis treatments before being placed in the electric chair.

--- I believe crying can be theraputic, as long as you don't do it every time you see a Hallmark commercial.

--- I believe when children make their Christmas wish lists to Santa, they should only list three things they really, really want. The rest of the letter should be about how they can make the world a better place.

--- I believe a flat tax would do this country wonders, but it will never happen.

--- I believe most fat people aren't lazy or stupid, they just lack self control.

--- I believe we need to round up all the Baldwin's before they act again. Except for Alec. He gets a pass for his work in "The Cooler."

--- I believe the entire staff at Pixar are creative geniuses.

--- I believe I want to punch a good number of you I meet in everyday life. The only thing keeping me from doing so is a little thing called "self control."

--- I believe I've used up enough of your time.

And finally, if any of the above does not agree with you, I believe I don't care.


  1. There were several moments where, after reading one of your 'bellowed beliefs' I had no choice but to exclaim, "YES!" drawing stares from other computer lab occupants. A truly fan-fricken-tastic list, and fear not, have not gone power-crazy with my new-found permission to employ that sacred word. As exhibited above, I use it only when entirely necessary and appropriate.
    I hope you enjoy 'Sin City.' The film is as such that you must love the genre or you really just won't know what to think of the movie. Let me know what you think.
    PS- Thank you for the delightful comment.

  2. -- I believe Ben Affleck should quit making movies. Period.

    Damn Straight! That man HAS to be stopped! And the godfather is truly a work of art.

  3. This entry can only be summed up by one word - Nice.

  4. I'll just echo what others have said... Great post!