Saturday, April 02, 2005

Women's Khakis to Fit a Man Named "Stacy"

I loathe shopping. Whenever I have the knowledge that I "need" something, I immediately go online. There are a number of reasons for this, which I will share with you now:

--- Nobody EVER has my size.

Apparently I'm "special" because very few men wear 29W/32I pants. And when I finally do find my size, I feel as though I'm an 1840's gold miner and I've just hit pay dirt. I do enjoy Banana Republic simply because they teach their salespeople to offer the best customer service or die trying. This lovely long-haired blonde tried to find some khaki's that would suit me.

Unfortunately, they're all made "loose" or "relaxed".

I don't wear these sizes because I'm neither of these things. I want my old "classic fit", as the lexicon of fashion refers to it.

The most entertaining part was when she whispered to me that, "Maybe you should try wearing women's khaki's."

Sure. No problem. I have a women's name, wearing their khaki's will just add to this lovely ensemble called me.

I did agree to take a look, but they didn't look quite right for a guy like me.

You know, a guy trying to hold on to as much masculinity as possible considering he was give a feminine name.

I was also named after a shoe, but that's another blog for another time.

I love Eddie Bauer, but the clothes are a little pricey. Any time I see that a dress shirt is labled as "Small", I have to ask whomever is working if they could look up that adjective and see how it compares in men's numerical sizes.

I wear the smallest dress shirt they make: 14 1/2 /32-33. Neck size/sleeve length.

And as luck would have it, they were fully stocked with those sizes. But they wanted $50 a dress shirt. I really enjoy looking nice, but I just don't have the funds to buy more than one or two shirts right now.


--- Customer service has deteriorated to an embarrassing level in this country.

I dropped by Sunglasses Hut simply because I had a question.

I didn't realize I was interrupting the young woman's homework.

I stood at the counter for a good 15 seconds before she noticed I needed help.

She closed the book as though I had interrupted her bible study. I would guess she was eighteen or nineteen years old. She had beautiful brown eyes and the most inappropriate low cut blouse I had seen all day.

It took all my will not to allow my gaze to drift down to her perfectly shaped breasts. I'm an all-American, breast loving guy, but I also try to be tactful.

I managed to keep firm eye contact, allowing my peripherel vision to enjoy the show.

Then my peripherel vision realized, "Hey, I'm nearly old enough to be her father if I gave birth to her when I was 15. I should probably cut this out."

I smiled gently and asked her if I brought in my eye prescription, would they use them in a sunglass frame of my choice.

She took a big sigh like I had asked her to do my taxes. For the next decade.

Her lack of enthusiasm for her position was also daunting.

"We don't do that here, but Lens Crafters does. We're owned by the same company."

I was going to look through the overpriced frames, but I was afraid my eyes would insult her, so I made a hasty exit.


--- People don't know how to "travel" when they're shopping.

When I say "travel", I'm referring to people's lack of their surroundings when they're walking through malls and shops.

Maybe this is my fault. I rarely browse while shopping. But when I do my mind fiercely seeks out lanes in which to travel. I want in and out and I don't wish to enjoy your lack of hygeine.

Most people shuffle when they're shopping, sluggishly moving from store to store.

It's frickin' annoying.

I wish we could have horns on our wrists when we shop. Then we could just blast our way through like a semi late for a delivery.

"Hey fat ass with jeans two sizes too small...BBBBEEEEEEEPPPPPP!!!!"

Sorry. But that was fun.

One glorious fact I do enjoy about the mall is people watching. So many characters in which to steal for that next Pulitzer Prize winning novel:

--- The whining child who wants everything and wants it now.
--- The tween girl who changed her outfit moments after she left home so she could appear older.
--- The pale white boy rapper wannabe.
--- The slovenly middle aged woman who uses a scooter, not because she's disabled, but because she's too obese and lazy to walk.
--- The security guy who holds his nose up high because he thinks his uniform is sexy.

And, yes, I must admit, there is another reason to love the mall. Whenever I enter Banana Republic or coast through the perfume and jewelry section of Macy's, beautiful women sprout everywhere. Most of them are far too young, and missing far too much clothing, but God bless them anyway.

Did I mention I love shopping?

Never mind.

1 comment:

  1. Yet another glorious post! I love how customer service reps these days act as though we are somehow abusing the system when we ask them for help. It's as though we should just be handing them money, and anything we get in return is a mere, yet reluctantly performed, gratuity for the funds we are obliged to give them. As for the girl in Sunglasses Hut, I think she was just upset because she went to all the trouble to wear such a revealing top and you refused to openly ogle her. Heartbreaking.