Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Star Wars: Episode IV.5: The Bandit Incident

Every time Kirk tricks Khan's ship into lowering it's shields, I feel my pulse begin to quicken.

When Darth Vader tries to explain to Luke that he is his true father, my blood pressure rises with exhileration.

Whenever I stroll by an arcade and see a Ms. Pac Man machine, I must feed my addiction immediately.

I used to program my Texas Instruments home computer in BASIC to make a little drawing program, so whenever you moved the cursor, it would leave pixalated 0's and 1's behind.

I spent most of my early teens playing Asteroids and Space Duel on my Atari 2600.

"Speed Racer" fed my imagination. "Knight Rider" was the coolest show on television.

You would think that over the years I would mature, spend less time with fantasy and attempt to create a more pleasing reality for myself.

Alas, that is not so.

And only a true geek would type "alas".

I was suffering through dialysis for the 152nd time (yes, I counted) and my posture suddenly straighened, my pupils became wide and the pain of the needles disappeared momentarily.

A "Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith" commercial came on.

After the disappointment of the first two films, and the overwhelming positive response on the internet for the lucky few who've seen the new film, I'm overwhelmed with anticipation over taking in this latest creation.

The funny thing is, the first time I saw "Star Wars", it was the silent version.

You mean to tell me Stacy, there's an old black and white, SILENT version of "Star Wars".

Read on brave blog reader...

I was about seven and we had just purchased a used 28' motorhome from our neighbors. We used it for camping from time to time, but my parents also used it to take us to drive-in movies.

More appropriately, they used it to take us to movies where they would make us stay in the back while they enjoyed the cinematic goodness up front. There was this divider in the middle of the Tioga that obstructed the cabin from the rest of the vehicle. My parents decided that they needed to see "Smokey and the Bandit".

I know. It was the late 70's and Burt Reynolds was one of the biggest movie stars running. When you ask my Dad today, he admits that it's one of the worst films ever made. And Burt only became a star because everyone was still trying to recover from the smoke-filled haze of the 60's.

But back then, it was good, old-fashioned redneck humor. And it got my parents out of the house without hiring a babysitter who would run up their phone bill.

We had some board games, like Monopoly and Chutes & Ladders to keep us busy, but they never were even touched. My poor sister cuddled up to her stuffed animals pouting.

I didn't really pay her much attention because out of the back window of the motorhome were two androids scurrying down a narrow, bright hallway.

That's right fellow geeks...the opening scenes of the original "Star Wars". On a movie screen just opposite from Burt and the Gang.

I watched every minute and thorougly had a great time. I had no idea what was happenning, but damn if it wasn't cool to watch.

I often wondered after the evening was over...if Burt and his Trans Am took on Darth and his Tie Fighter, who would come out ahead??

Hmm...lessee here. Burt would have the power of tight 70's pants and a six pack of Budweiser brewing in his bloodstream. Darth Vader would only have the Force.

Burt would use his fists to fight. Vader would use his light saber.

Burt would have the ultra adorable Sally Field fighting at his side. Vader would receive no help from the equally alluring Carrie Fisher.

Burt would cock his fists and punch Vader straight in his mask. Vader would retaliate with a Force choke hold. Suddenly, Burt would fire up the Trans Am stereo and blast Jerry Reed's "East Bound and Down". Vader would strike back with a chilling melody of John Williams score.

"Smokey and the Sith"? "Attack of the Rednecks"? "The Phantom Beer Can"? "The Empire Strikes a Line Dance"? "Return of the Inbred"?

Geez! Lucas has been wasting his time! "Freddy vs. Jason"..."Alien vs. Predator"...now, get ready for...

"Vader and the Bandit"! It can pick up immediately following "Star Wars" where we see Vader cruise off from the exploding Death Star in his personal Tie Fighter. This sequel picks up hours later when Darth crash lands in the Bandit's backyard. Burt stumbles out of his hammock and sees Darth emerge from his busted Tie Fighter.

Vader tries to contact the Empire. The Bandit CB's the Snowman. The epic battle for a truckload of bootleg beer begins!!!

I'm really wasting my time doing this radio thing. I could be a dopey movie executive combining famous icons into brand new properties.

Coming soon: "Dialysis Man". It's the uplifting story starring Stacy Without an E as a lonely dialysis patient struggling to stay alive on a daily basis. He's nearly at the end of his rope, about to end it all, when he meets luscious dialysis tech Winona Ryder, who gives him a new reason to live.

Rated R for delicious Winona Ryder full frontal nudity, bloody dialysis violence, naughty language and, hopefully, sexual situations.

Stop laughing, it's my fantasy.

Speaking of which, I'm dressed in the sexy Darth costume while Winona Ryder has her hair in cinammon buns with the gold biking from Jedi and...

Never mind.

No comments:

Post a Comment