Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Taunting Fool

Pain. Burning, unsympathetic pain.

For three miserable hours I laid in the dialysis chair, fighting the urge to scream out in agony.

For three agonizing hours, I controlled my urge to blubber in tears.

For three tearful hours, I felt my soul wither into a dry, flaky existence of apathy.

And Dialysis loved every minute of it.

I tried to hide from Dialysis by covering myself deep underneath my blanket, but Dialysis knows this is against clinic rules. One's arm must always be visible to the technicians at all times.

Dialysis hopped and jumped from the tech counter to my chair and back again. He was overwhelmed by the ecstasy of it all.

"Ooohhahahahaha!! You can't hide and you can't win! We'll always be together!"

I was a little out of it due to all the Vicodin I ingested beforehand, so I slowly twisted my head in his direction and dredged up every ounce of energy I had remaining.

"Fuck you! Fuck you and everybody who looks like you."

Frank was stunned by my outburst. "Whatsa matter buddy?"

"Sorry Frank. I was talking to Dialysis. He's peering over your shoulder and ringing his hands like he's awaiting his last meal."

Frank tilted his head slightly and then slowly walked away. He met up with one of the other techs, gestured in my direction and whispered in the tech's ear. The other tech simply nodded and then turned to finish with another patient.

I know they were discussing what an asshole I am.

"You haven't been in pain in soooo long," exclaimed Dialysis, his grin beaming from ear to ear.

As he was bouncing about, cackling the entire time, he made his way to my right ear.


I clenched my eyes shut in an attempt to rid myself of his presence.

It was to no avail.

"Poor, poor Stacy." His sarcasm was dripping from his lips and making dark, gooey circles on my lab cloth.

"Right now, at this very moment, I'm increasing your body's antibody level so you'll never ever, ever ever, ever ever ever get a new kidney."

As he spit the last syllable, his eyes grew wide and he wringed his hands together playfully.

"That means my dear Stacy...that we'll be together...forever ever ever ever ever...ever ever ever ever..."

He broke into song with every "ever", spinning throughout the room with his hands in the air as though he were accepting gifts from God himself.

"Just think of it Stacy! You will continue to become more and more bitter, less tolerable and totally unbearable to be around!"

He bounded toward my direction and landed directly at the side of my chair. He swung the crane TV away and spit into my ear once again.

"And it will all be because...of...me!!!"

I couldn't stand it any longer. I took what little slack I had from my dialysis tubes and wrapped them tightly around his neck.

The look on his face was priceless.

"Listen to me very carefully. Each and every time you cause me pain, a little more Stacy drips away."

Dialysis was grabbing for his neck, trying to unleash his airway, but all my strength was focused on obliterating him.

"But what you don't realize is, with every drop I'm creating a brand new Stacy. Stronger. Faster. Better than before. Like Steve Austin without the cool sound effects.

Dialysis didn't quite grab the reference, but that was probably because he was suffocating to death.

"I'm going to continue working out, staying in shape and taking care of myself until the day you're sitting here undergoing this procedure yourself."

His bloodshot eyes were bulging. But then something remarkable happened.

I let Dialysis go.

He collapsed to the floor gasping for air. He grabbed the side of my dialysis machine to balance himself.

And then he was gone.

I slowly peered around the clinic to see if any of his offspring had arisen from his ashes, but no one was there.

"Stacy, you've tangled up your lines. You know you're not supposed to do that."

I offered a very meek sorry to one of the dialysis tech's as I turned my attention back toward my TV. I didn't have the energy to manifest a smile, so I allowed one to grow inside.

One small victory for Stacy, one giant leap for inner strength.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. Okay, let's see if I can type it correctly this time....

    I am beginning to loathe dialysis as much as you, although admittedly in a different and less valid way. *sigh* Miss Joolie needs a new job.

  3. Hooray for Stacy and inner strength! In your battle to rid your world of the hell dialysis attempts to envelope you, I long to grab a sword and kill... kill... kill it! As I am only a serf and lack proper swordsmanship, I am overjoyed that you are able to battle it... and today be the victor!