Sunday, May 15, 2005

Time to Check the Stacy Radio Show E-Mail Bag

This e-mail comes to us from Jessica at the Kendall Jackson winery. It actually said "@kjmail.com" and I simply looked up the suffix.

I know. I'm a frickin' genius.

Here now, is the body of said e-mail, from Jessica:

Hey Stacy...

You're always talking about your lack of success with women and I was wondering...what's up with that? You're adorable, have a great personality...heck, I'm single and I would go out with you!!!

- Jessica

What follows is my honest, self esteem lacking response. Enjoy!

Hello Miss Jessica...

Thank you for taking the time to send dopey afternoon radio boy an e-mail. That was very cool of you. The following are the top reasons why I am single:

1) I'm a dork.

I'm in my 30's and still a registered, all-American 100% dorky geek. Or geeky dork, depending on your point of view. And I'm guessing your personal view doesn't involve Batman, Star Wars, Star Trek or anything having to do with "Smallville". Thus, I am single.

2) I'm 5'7"

Most women I know prefer guys who are at least 6' tall, beefy and packing considerable heat. I'm much shorter, less than beefy and lukewarm. Thus, I am single.

3) I'm skinny.

This is fine if you're a young woman and you wish to live up to the ideals of "Cosmo" and "Glamour", but when you're a guy, it's embarrassing. Everything I eat goes straight to my gut, which makes my appearance even less pleasant. When I hug women they respond that it feels like they're hugging a scarecrow. Or an IV pole. Depends on their profession. Thus, I am single.

4) I'm a workaholic.

I worked for years and years, put up with loads of crap from people of lesser talent and smaller minds, just to get a dopey radio show in Santa Rosa. But I love it. Sometimes I believe I can't live without it. Most women find this alluring at first, but the shine quickly wears away, leaving nothing but a coat of disdain and hatred. Thus, I am single.

5) I'm not wealthy.

Most women think radio personalities make tons of dough. My initial response to this is, "Ha!" I struggle like most of my middle class listeners. Plus, it's difficult to date when you still haven't paid your anaestesiologist bill. Thus, I am single.

6) I'm moody.

Like a rollercoaster that makes your nerves thrill and your stomach vomit. Need I say more? Thus, I am single.

7) I'm damanged goods.

I spend three days a week, three hours at a time, suffering through dialysis. Who wants to console someone like this week after week? Very few. And out of that group, even fewer. Thus, I am single.

Thanks for writing Miss Jessica! Have a wonderfully Jessica-ish weekend!

Stacy Without an E

2 comments:

  1. Darth Staccia,

    It seems to me that you should have added "that said, I'd love to go out with you," at the end of your truly smashing email. Either she'd respond or she wouldn't, but it'd be worth a shot, huh?

    ReplyDelete
  2. She would have responded. She would have said 'YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!' and then she would have deleted it to calmy type, "Why, I find that to be a most agreeable proposition. Most certainly, I accept your offer, you self-deprecating fiend."

    ReplyDelete