Sunday, May 29, 2005

You Might Be a Fucknut...

Not to be outdone by the porn star looking Jeff Foxworthy, I now present my answer to his annoying "You Might Be a Redneck..." routine.

If you stop dead in your tracks in the middle of a shopping aisle to stare blindly, mouth agape at some electronic device that makes a whirring noise while blocking pedestrian might be a fucknut.

If you hold up the grocery checkout line because you want to pay for vaseline and rubber gloves with a credit card while your chubby girlfriend tries to steal might be a fucknut. (True story.)

If you weave in and out of lanes at high speed without signaling while talking on your cell phone and eating Chicken might be a fucknut.

If you call up a radio station to make a song request, and when the DJ asks you want you want to hear you respond with, " know...the song with the guy singing about the girl," might be a fucknut.

If you proclaimed that you were going to leave this country if Bush were elected, and you're still frickin' might be a fucknut.

If you get caught looking at porn at work, and then by some cruel act of God, you become Employee of the might be a fucknut.

If you believe Larry King is the best this country has to offer in the way of broadcast might be a fucknut.

If you've ever put a Clay Aiken CD on might be a fucknut.

If you sweat profusely on a piece of health club equipment and walk away without wiping off your gooey, drippy mess before others can use might be a fucknut. (And an asshole.)

If you perform surgery on me more than twice and the thing still isn't working might be a fucknut.

If you declare war on another country simply because they tried to kill your might be a fucknut.

If you wear a belly shirt, and your belly is hanging over your might be a fucknut.

If you spend all your money on clubbing on Friday, and your kids don't have food on might be a fucknut.

If you don't believe your life will be worth anything unless you appear on might be a fucknut.

If your name begins with "Ryan" and ends with "Seacrest" might be a fucknut.

If you've been an incredibly talented dramatic actor your entire career and you suddenly "want to do a comedy" might be a fucknut.

If you order a burger at a fast food joint and they don't make it exactly the way you wanted, and then you threaten their lives with a cloud of obscenities that are still floating over the joint three days might be a fucknut. (Also a true story.)

If you screw up on a daily basis and one of your employees spends time out of his workday to fix said screw might be a fucknut. (More true than I wish to admit.)

If you take a massive dump in a public toilet and don't might be a fucknut.

If you complain about not being able to lose weight and then order a Triple Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy' might be a fucknut.

If you have, or will in the near future, pattern any of your life after Paris might be a fucknut.

If you leave your kids in the car in 100 degree weather so you could "score some candy" might be a fucknut.

If you have more than two kids and you take them with you shopping and they're running aimlessly everywhere while you comparison shop Cheese might be a fucknut. (And you should have your tubes tied.)

If you type "...and your looking great" and you should be using "you're" might be a fucknut.

If you claim you'll only date women who weigh under 110 pounds, and you're a slobby might be a fucknut.

If it takes a stepladder to get into your lifted might be a fucknut. (And have masculinity issues.)

And finally...

If you whine endlessly about suffering through a cold while your neighbor endures painless dialysis treatments, and you think you've got it most definately are a fucknut.

I have no ending for this, so I take a small bow.


  1. YES! I scored a zero! I am safe, for the time being, from being classified as a 'fucknut'. I am an asshole though. I just remembered how in grade 9 some kid next to me in the computer lab was repeatedly asking me for election related websites. I was getting pretty sick of him asking me, regardless of how many times I said, "Sorry, I don't know any others." So I took a gamble and said, " is Al Gore's official site." I crossed my fingers and silently prayed that the site would be as good as it sounded while he slowly punched in the address. A teacher walked by as the flabbergasted lad found himself at an extremely hardcore porn site. He was too astonished to even blame me as the horrified teacher pulled him from the room.


  2. I have a couple to add...

    If you use the word "conversate" under any circumstance other than condescension, you might be a fucknut.

    If your name is Ryan and you are a tech aide at said dialysis unit, you most certainly are a fuck nut.

    If you are a scary pyromaniac mascarading as a firefighter-photographer and you are part of something you refer to as a "fire tribe" and you hit on Joolie and ask her for cookies, you may be a fucknut.

    Okay, I'm done. *wink* Oh, before I forget, good call! Jeff Foxworthy DOES look like a porn star, I never thoguht of it!