Saturday, June 04, 2005

AquaStacy vs. The Penguins

The last time I had a really good day I was naked in a hotel room with this raven haired temptress...

Never mind.

Today was a pretty frickin' fantastic day, even though nothing glorious really happened. Not that that's a requirement you see.

It even started off pretty craptastic. I had to be at work at 10am to push all the right buttons so our live broadcast would go smoothly.

Buttons, knobs and switches. Buttons are cool. Knobs are old school. And switches will get you into trouble in the world of broadcast radio.

Fortunately, I'm a maestro when it comes to running the studio during a live broadcast. When the radio waves all hit the beach of happiness at the same time, the client and my boss are all smiles and life can go on as it has before.

I went home and discovered that no one was at the pool. Nobody. Not a single soul. Not even that raven haired bikini-clad babe who flipped me off last week.

Thus, my plan was set into motion. I threw off all my clothes (hey, it's the second time I've been naked in this blog) and grabbed my six year old bathing suit. When I went to tie the knot in the strings I noticed something.

I'm somewhat skinnier than last year's swimming adventures.

Which is saying something since I'm always pretty damn skinny.

At the front of my suit was about an inch of material bunched up to make it fit snugly with my waist.

Screw it. I don't care. I already have bandages on my arm to go along with this wonderful ensemble...the pool is mine!

I'm going to be taking a week vacation in a month to see my sister, hang out with my favorite Greek Goddess and then with my best friend, so Tan Stacy needs to be fully realized.

I made my way to the gate and still, silence. Perfect. I laid out for about 45 minutes until the vermon invaded.

The father waddles in first wearing really loud swim trunks that didn't quite cover the massive fast food and beer belly that was hanging over them. I was afraid his Mr. Pepe might burst out at any moment. His wife was equally thrifty with her flip flops and an "I Brake for JD" t-shirt.

With the angle of the sun and the plethora of sunscreen surrounding my eyes, they all looked like penguins. I almost expected the father to come by and ask if Batman had been spotted nearby. Burgess Meredith would have been proud.

Oh look. Here come the offspring. Mutated with Marlboro Lights and Ho-Ho's during pregnancy. This should be fun.

This entire time I'm simply trying to reach nirvana, thinking of nothing but reaching a sweat level high enough to move me to hop into the pool.

Fortunately, my tyrannical landlord was outside her apartment nearby. She runs the complex like a Nazi camp in springtime.

"No running. No jumping. No diving, ok?"

Thank God for brat squashing rules.

Only one of the mutated brats was in the pool. The others kept whining for Cheez-Itz.

I love Cheez-Itz just as much as the next snack ingesting American, but I don't want your cheezy fingers tainting my water. I overpay $300 every month for my apartment, so don't go rednecking it up, ok?

Fate has an interesting way of spiraling life into focus. If my peritoneal catheter had actually succeeded earlier this year, swimming would be completely out of the question.

This is the thought I mused upon as I dove under the water and swam my frail little body to the other side.

The brats, Cheez-Itz, the JD t-shirt wearing penguin couple, my Nazi landlord...they all ceased to exist under the calming waters of my pool.

I rarely swim across the top of the water. Because of my size, I'm able to easily move from one point to another underwater quickly and with great ease.

It was glorious. And I usually only use "glorious" to describe Winona Ryder in a bikini.

Tomorrow, since I don't have to work, I'm going to rise by 11am and command the pool once again. I will use my Jedi mind powers to keep all rednecks far from the reaches of my pool.

"Mommy, I want to go swimmin'!"

"You don't want to go swimming."

"Mommy, I changed my mind."

"You wish to take a nap."

"Yawn! I'm really sleepy Mommy."

"You should tell your Mommy she looks like a penguin."

Wack, wack, wack, wack, wack. Waddle back to your shabby apartment and put on some Zeppelin. All will be right with the world.

Even though I work 60-70 hours a week, I have mentally prepared a swimming and tanning schedule at my pool.

And just in case you think I despise penguins, you would be wrong.

"Opus" rules all comic strips.

Thank you and good night.


  1. I will forever admire you for your "nazi camp in springtime" line. It's divine...

  2. Swimming pools are foul, unhealthy and deathly grim places. I just dropped my kids off at the pool. :-)

  3. It is amazing how much I cringe, giggle, cry, cheer, scream, and laugh while reading your blogs. Your ability to tap into all of these actions for me, the blogee, is refeshing. I am always eager to see just what happens next... in The Adventures of Stacy Without an E.

    Keep doing what you do so well... letting your creativity regarding the annoying, mundane, funny, and serious aspects of your life (and frankly all of our lives) flow so smoothly.

  4. Anonymous screwed up big time by not attaching a name to that comment/compliment so I'm just going to pretend that I forgot to sign in and that I wrote that comment that, although exceedingly accurate, is naturally hindered by the English language's inability to truly explain how glorious and hilarious your adventures are. Ahem, okay here I go...

    Stacy, sorry, forgot to sign in for that last comment.