Monday, July 25, 2005

13 Reasons Why I Haven't Blogged In a While

1. I'm a bigger loser than those idiots with the bombs in London. Fucktards.

2. I've been working on this petition to get "According to Jim" labeled with an advisory before the show begins that states: "You WILL Be Dumber When This Show Ends and Those IQ Points Ain't Growing Back in the Couch Cushions." (It's tiresome work, but it's for a good cause.)

3. I was detained by the San Francisco Police for three days while they questioned me over "love letters" I've written over the past 22 years to the most elegant, vivacious, adorable, ravishing actress to ever grace the silver screen...Miss Winona Ryder. (I love you Nonnie...call me!)

4. I started smoking. My shoelaces caught on fire. (Thank you, I'll be here all evening. Don't forget to tip your waitress.)

5. I've been slaving away as a vice-presidential candidate for the Common Sense Party. Our slogan: "Sense is not common enough." If we don't make the ballot in '08, hopefully SOME of our ideals, like, you know, common sense, make it into the platform of BOTH the Republicans and the Democrats. (And Demo's, change the icon. No one wants vote for an ass. Or maybe they do. Kinda makes you go hmmm...)

6. I had a long, peaceful and retrospective conversation over pizza and hot wings with Dialysis. The authorities are still trying to find his body...

7. I reached 1,000 rejections in my lifetime from beautiful, neckish women. Spent the next two days testing different thicknesses of rope to see which would best hang a complete loser. (Ordinary American Rope #14 was the winner. Oh wait. It snapped. Damnit.)

8. I went to a competitor's radio station and took all the promotional frisbees with their logo on them. I climbed to the top of our building and began flinging them into traffic. Boy, are they in big trouble.

9. I searched for the remainder of my Soul. It called from Cabo and said the margatrita's were delicious. And that it was dating Christina Ricci. My Soul also said her kisses tasted like newly sprouted roses. I hung up on my Soul and called the Cabo Police to inform them my Soul had kidnapped Christina Ricci. My Soul will never cheat on me again, that's for sure.

10. I tried to become Stacy Without an O. Then I realized it was the women I had been with that hadn't had an O. Then I got really depressed. I called Congress and asked that O be stricken from the English language. I heard a knock at the door and A, E, I, U and sometimes Y beat the hell out of me. O came in smiling and told me never, ever to fuck with a vowel again. I said "YOU" really loud just to show my appreciation for a majority of O's friends. They all smiled, did a very good Ashlee Simpson jig and departed with every piece of furniture that started with a consonant. I guess I should have put my earlier "FUCK" before "YOU."

11. I bought a huge box of Lime Jello at Costco and poured it into my apartment complex pool. On my way to work I spotted a number of clinically obese rednecks gently tossing in 18" wide marshmellows. A couple were purposely placing skinned watermelons. Then they all held hands and sang, "There's always room for Jello." The memory still haunts me to this day. (Who knew Scientologist's loved Jello??)

12. I placed a thousand freshly frozen ice cubes into a thousand different envelopes to be mailed to the poor people in Arizona and Death Valley who are suffering through the heat wave. I got a call the next day from those same poor people telling me, "Thanks for the humidity fucker." Click.

13. I managed to bench press a whopping 20 pounds. I didn't grunt, leave my weights for someone else to remove or leave a sopping wet puddle of sweat on the bench. They promptly asked me to surrender my membership because I "didn't fit in."

As the before list seems to demonstrate, when I don't blog, I do really stupid things.

I promise to blog more in the future.

Thank you for your patronage.

3 comments:

  1. Okay...

    First of all, damn you're brilliant. Will you marry me? We could have baby elitists. Scary, I know.....

    Second, you inspire me so. You have just introduced me to my new favorite word: fucktard. Thank you.

    Third, aww fuck it. I have individual comments about all of your reasons, but suffice to say I found myself laughing out loud through the whole post.

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  2. Julie, don't let his brilliant sense of humour camouflage the fact that he promised 147 reasons and delivered unto us ONLY 13!!!

    Stacy, I guess I can't be bitter about your painfully long blogging hiatus after I laughed my way through that hilarious post.

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  3. Common Sense Pary 2008 with its mascot- a golden retriever wearing an American flag bandana! Now just to find the hundreds of millions of dollars for advertising. Should be easy... by the year 2800...

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