Monday, July 04, 2005

Stacy Vacation 2005: Day 4: Cattle Drive

This day actually began at the God awful hour of 2am.

I kept hearing really bad covers of songs from my past coming from "The Tap Room."

I didn't discover until the next morning that it was karaoke night.

I thought they'd hired a really bad cover band.

"Oh my gawd he is so fucking cute but I don't want to let him know I want to fuck him."

It's as though somebody transported a hoochie sorority girl into my hallway and she's reciting dialogue from a really bad episode of "The O.C."

"It'll cost you five bucks to see the tattoo on my ass!"

Could someone tattoo a muzzle on your mouth so we can all get some well deserved sleep??

"I have a horse penis. I call him Mr. Ed."

Jeezusschristomighty you people are frickin' retards. Is this what the University of Arizona, Tucson is cranking out...dim-witted porn stars?

I finally did manage to get some sleep when a number of them retired to a room.

The next morning was a little sad because my short-lived trip to Tucson was nearly over.

I had the Continental Breakfast as Nakai begged for "waa-waa."

Translation: "Mother, I would care for some ice to chew while you and my uncle discuss the finer points of his transportation today."

Or something like that.

My baby sister, Nakai and myself took a few pictures by the stairwell. For some reason, my sister has this amazing ability to blink just as the flash is going off.

This makes her look rather druggish on film.

She e-mailed the pictures back and I'm all puffy from all the fluid I had put on from my trip.

I despise looking at myself on dialysis days. I'm so gross. And now it's captured on film.

Yip-eee.

As I left I couldn't help thinking how much I enjoyed spending time with everyone, especially my little nephew.

He's going to have all the girls begging for his attention by the time he gets to preschool.

Lucky son-of-a-gun.

I waved goodbye as their car pulled away, realizing I really didn't want to deal with air travel, this being 72 hours since I'd had a dialysis treatment.

Southwest Airlines issues you a boarding pass with the letters A, B and C indicating the order in which you'll be getting on the plane.

Fortunately I had seen the ticket counter on my arrival and had already printed out my boarding pass.

I lined up like a fatigued cow in the "A" like behind the most gourgeous raven haired temptress.

She had shoulder length jet black hair that cascaded down her shoulders, alluring brown eyes and a colorful sundress adorning her slim figure.

"Will you marry me?"

That's what I thought as I looked in her eyes to say, "Hello."

"Ugh, hi," she spit out as she entered some digits into her cell phone.

"I'm a wealthy playboy riding on Southwest Airlines to see how the other half lives. Want to dash this scene and make our way to my private jet?"

I thought I'd try my ESP using honesty and depravity.

"I want to rip off that sundress and join the mile high club."

Sigh.

We all hustled single file onto the plane and made our annoying way back to San Jose, where another two hour drive awaited me.

At least I didn't have to pay for parking thanks to my good friend Ted.

Tuesday & Wednesday I'll clean my apartment and prepare for Ted's arrival to my scenic bachelor pad.

I wish I didn't have to go back to work.

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