Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Stacy Vacation 2005: Day 6: Holy SAG Card Batman

I want to apply to be Batman's sidekick.

Robin is so past tense.

I treated myself to an overindulgence of buttery motor oil and whispery patrons as I settled into the center of the 100 seat theater that is still projecting "Batman Begins."

My ego begin to swell as I realized I might be the only one in the entire theater for this amazing feature.

That didn't last long.

A Gang Member with oversized clothes and a crooked sneer escorted two younger Future Gang Members to seats right in front of me.

The entire theater is empty sans me, and they choose the seats in front of me.

Schmucks.

Next was Single Mom and Embarrassed Teenage Daughter, who decided that four seats to my left would be rather comfortable for a viewing of the Dark Knight. Throughout the entire film, Embarrassed Teenage Daughter kept shooshing her mother so she could fantasize about Christian Bale without interruption.


Following their entrance was Obese Middle Aged Man with his friends Overpriced Snacks. Apparently I was attracting the masses today because he sat behind me.

Throughout the film my view was occasionally obstructed by what appeared to be bits of popcorn flying through the air.

It was Obese Middle Aged Man exhaling popcorn as he grunted, laughed and whispered, "Go Batman," as the film unspooled.

He reminded me of Comic Book Guy from the "Simpsons."

Worst...movie patron...ever.

The final guests that caught my attention this afternoon were Giggly Teenage Trio. The fabric of their clothes was 40% skimpier than it should have been relative to their young ages. Giggly Teenage Trio exploded in giggly excitement every time Christian Bale suddenly was sans shirt.

They were also very vocal when Katie Holmes appeared braless onscreen for several minutes near the end of the film, nipples at full attention.

I wish to thank Miss Holmes for raising my review of this film from an A- to an A+.

Tom Cruise hopping on couches makes complete sense now.

Fortunately the Rogues Gallery in the theater couldn't take away from my full enjoyment of one of the most relatable icons of superherodom I've ever had the opportunity to experience.

The pace was perfect in the first hour as we view how Bruce Wayne uses his tragedy to become a celebrated symbol of justice in Gotham City.

I'm glad Christopher Nolan and the suits at Warner Brothers freed up the purse springs to allow Morgan Freeman, Liam Neeson, Ken Watanabe, Cillian Murphy, Gary Oldman and Michael Caine to bring some validity and realism to the world of Batman.

I liked the fact that regardless of what the villians were conspiring, you never knew where Batman was coming from. He used every skill he learned in the first half of the film to defeat the villians, and it was exhilerating.

Their was only one scene that reminded me of the previous Batman films, the first of which is the only one I truly feel nearly reached the essence of Batman's world. In the last fifteen minutes, we see Batman suit up by seeing him shove on a glove, stretch on the cowl and grab a weapon or two. I immediately flashed back to "Batman & Robin" where we are traumatized by shots of Batman's butt and his protruding nipples.

Shudder.

And the ending, pitch perfect. All of the villians the Gotham Police have rounded up have escaped from Arkham Asylum, all of them, and Lieutenant Gordon shows a quick file of one of them to Batman.

It's the Joker.

Nolan has announced that the Joker will be the main villian of the second film and the third will deal with the trail of the Joker and the introduction of Two-Face.

To Christopher Nolan, I say only this...

Come back. Come back and bring your talented staff from the first film with you.

And pay them double.

And Mr. Nolan, may I throw in my less than talented hat to become a minor villian in the next film:

Dialysis Man.

I do my best to filter the evil out of society using a less than workable dialysis machine from the 1950's.

Batman doesn't believe my torcherous vigilanteism is appropriate for Gotham.

I team up with the Joker to filter laughing gas into the atmosphere over Gotham.

Batman of course kicks my ass in the end and places the Joker in Arkham to await sentencing.

$300 million domestic box office, minimum.

I can be reached through my blog at stacywithoutane@gmail.com.

Holy Bad Ideas Batman!

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