Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Time to Check the Stacy Radio Show Mail Bag

Life has a way of balancing out in a freakish, "boy I think I saw that on the X-Files but I didn't because I was really drunk and the TV wasn't even on and my friends tricked me into tasting the blue ones but then it turned out to be one of those freshening things you put in the toilet to make sure its not lacking cleansliness" kinda way.

Well, anyway...

Although I've felt like crawling under my desk, curling up in a tight ball and living off the M&M's I dropped there three months ago, Life keeps tapping me on the shoulder, smiling and asking me to hang out just a little bit more.

Case in point: the Stacy Radio Show Mailbag.

Today's was not an electronic, emotionless, emoticoned e-mail, but an actual letter.

I know. It's like finding a fossilized Rubik's Cube under the rafters in the far recesses of your parent's garage.

The letter was decorated with an enormous amount of stickers, which set off the Stalker Alarm in my brain. This was painful because it's really loud and no one else can hear it and then people wonder why I'm slapping my hands against the side of my head trying to get it to shut off.

But I digress, or regress, depending on what tasteless TV show from the 80's is being released on DVD these days.

I tried to unsuccessfully open the letter and ended up ripping it lengthwise.

This was NOT a good sign.

Her handwriting was incredibly large and loopy, and at times, difficult to read.

I present this letter to you now, in hopes that you'll have an opinion on what I should do, if anything...

Dear Stacy,

Hello! My name is Alicia and I am a VERY SINGLE 30 something woman. I am also the mother of a very beautiful five year old little girl named Lexsi.

I listen to your show faithfully every day (never miss it) and I think that you have the sexiest voice in radio. I just love your laugh.

(I must pause here because the "sexiest voice" comment couldn't be farther from the truth. Most of the time my voice cracks and I sound like I'm going through a post-adolescent puberty my thirties.)

I was listening to your show on Friday, August 5th and you were talking about your dating dilemma and how you think that some women may be a little turned off by your scars and bandages due to your dialysis. And then on yesterday's show, Monday August 8th, you talked about how you hadn't had a date in sixteen months since beginning dialysis.

Let me just say that not having a date in 16 months does NOT compare to not having a date in 4 years. I think that I've got you beat!

You say that some women may be turned off by scars & bandages, but in my own personal experience, I have found that as a single parent, the men who are interested in dating me only are until I inform them that I have a child. Once I divulge that little piece of information, they are IMMEDIATELY turned off and start running towards traffic, so to speak.

As an adult child of a man who had cancer and who had to suffer though both chemo and radiation treatments that left his body battered, scarred and brusied, and as a Home Care Health Aid I have seen ALOT and haven't wimped out yet.

So, let me just assure you that I WOULD NOT be turned off by your scars, bruises and bandages. That is, as long as YOU'RE NOT turned off by a single woman with a child.

Well maybe if you're interested, we could meet over an iced coffee, (Starbucks being my current weakness) and discuss our mutual dating woes. If you're not, that's fine too. At least you know now that there is at least one woman in Sonoma County who wouldn't be turned off by your scars or bruises.



There is a phone number included, but I haven't called her. Also, the points in the letter I capitalized indicated where she had taken a flourescent highlighter and made those points more apparent.

I now need to choose from the following choices in what to do next:

1. File the letter away in my listener letter file and hope it doesn't crawl out and give me a hickey on my calf.

2. Call her back and politely tell her how much I appreciated the letter, but I don't date listeners. (A copout to be sure, but an honest one.)

3. Post the letter on the kitchen bulletin board for all to examine and debate over the overpriced and idiot free new coffee machine.

4. Call her back, accept her invitation to coffee and pray to God I come back alive.

5. Propose marriage and smother her with 100% Stacy Without an E.

6. Segue into Creepy Stacy Without an E mode and ask her if she's ever done it with a guy with 4 kidneys before.

7. Call and ask if she can suggest any good medications for overly moody pseudo-talented media personalities.

8. None of the above.

9. All of the above...and more!

I await your advice and suggestions brave blog readers.

Thank you and good night.


  1. if you've read my blog recently (or ever)you'll be aware that I am no one to give advice on how to start (or keep) functional relationships. But you asked, so....

    She sounds like a girl with a good heart, and she writes reasonably well. She sounds lonely, I'll give you that, but we all have a little of that going on. As for the stickers and highlighter...yikes. But hey, you only live once. You have to decide if the good possibilities outweigh the bad. But I say go for it.

  2. Go with number 6.

  3. So what has become of Ms. Honestandsweetbutpossiblyfelonious?

  4. date the listener!