Sounds familiar to all who possess an appetite erupts from the brightly lit GROCERY STORE.
One by one, the members of the FOOD KINGDOM file by, greeted only by INTERMITTENT BEEPS.
(deep, manly voice)
Um, well, excuse me...
MONTEREY JACK and 98% FAT FREE MEAT are neatly dressed in the formal plastic wrap and anoited with a bar code label. They fall helplessly, hopelessly to the bottom of a grocery bag.
This can't be good.
No, no, no! I'm gonna bruise! Maybe they'll return us.
A PIMPLY YOUNG TEENAGER peers down into the GROCERY BAG, smacking his SPEARMINT GUM and allowing it to free fall between the FOODS.
Yeeowwoohno! I'd heard rumors you know.
(peering down at the gum)
Are you ok??
Its all dark and musty in there. Darkness all around
and this large red creature ticklin' me. It was fun at first.
Check my expiration date! Check my expiration date!
The BEEPING and SCREAMING continues as FOOD ITEMS are dropped and shoved into nearby grocery bags.
CONSUMERS of all shapes, sizes and appetites swarm the interior of the GROCERY STORE, disrupting the happy-go-lucky lives of all the FOODS.
As FOODS continue to be scanned, two CONSUMERS, a YOUNG WOMAN and her SON wait patiently for the grand total.
(innocent & bewildered)
Mommy? Mommy...they're screaming.
Who's screaming dear?
(laughing to herself)
They're so cute at that age.
They are screaming. I can hear them!
INT. GROCERY STORE FRUIT AISLE - NIGHT
An ELDERLY MAN, dressed in decade old sweats and wearing very thick glasses, grabs an ORANGE and squeezes it.
Dude, come on! How'd you like it if I grabbed your...
Not again! Whoa! Lookout! Comin' through! Wheeee!
Oooh...two for one cantelope.
A MIDDLE-AGED MAN with unkempt hair and a rather foul aroma jerks his head back and forth, finally slamming his hand deep into the CASHEWS, shoving them into his slightly toothless mouth.
Ow! Hey! Quit it...quit it!
A BOTTLE OF RUM begins to shake on the top shelf as a rather OBESE MAN waddles down the aisle.
As HE passes, the BOTTLE OF RUM's shaking minimizes. But another PROFESSIONAL YOUNG CONSUMER stops and slowly turns his head to face the BOTTLE OF RUM.
The BOTTLE OF RUM freezes, but as the PROFESSIONAL YOUNG CONSUMER glances at the JUICES, the BOTTLE OF RUM starts to uncontrolably shake again.
The PROFESSIONAL YOUNG CONSUMER decices he's had enough so he quickly exits the aisle shaking himself, occasionaly glancing back in the BOTTLE OF RUM'S direction.
Oh God, I can't (hic) take (hic) the pressure!
Clean up on aisle six...
Corn Flakes! Corn Flakes you fool!
How 'bout Corn Flakes?
(elderly female voice)
Delicious toasted oats! They're oats and, well, they're toasted damnit!
What about these imitation Cheerios?
Bran! Think bran! It's brantastic!
Extra fiber in the diet helps fight cancer. Why don't we try the Bran Flakes?
Psst! What the hell is bran anyway?
Who cares? They let us be.
On one side of the aisle are all the REGULAR COFFEE BRANDS, all shaking and nodding, occasionally hopping up and down as though they have to use the bathroom.
Oh god! I can't sleep! I CAN'T SLEEP!
Hey, regular! Over here! Check this out! Look what we can do!
(upper crust accent)
Juveniles. I never.
A stalk of LARGE CELERY can be seen brushing the stalk of SMALL CELERY, who is using a DIRTY CARROT to swing at incoming STRAWBERRIES. As each one is swung upon and launched, they scream, "Banzai!" A GREEN BANANA pulls himself away from his bunch and prances to the top of the heap.
We're the fruits and veggies.
And we're getting kinda edgy,
We fight the consumer,
And its not just a rumor,
Cuz we're about to lose our life.
It's closing time.
INT. CONDIMENT AISLE - NIGHT
A small plastic bottle of MUSTARD watches intently as the final bright lights bow out for the evening. A huge smile smears across his face as he slowly peers down at the floor seven shelves below.
Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut...
Where do you think you're going mister?
LARGE AA EGG
Yeah Miss M., it's going to be eggcellent.
have egg on your face, do you?
Woohoohahahahaha! I'm cracking up! The yoke's on me! Hahahahahaha!
How many times do I have to tell you?? You aren't a real meat, ok??
Check my label. I said, check my label.
Would you get your can out of my face please?
I want you home before the CONSUMERS start in, ok? I have to talk to you
about something important.
Has Miss M. told Musty about you know what?
You mean, about shelf life?
Stay tuned for the continuing adventures of Mustard on the Side. I know what you're saying, how could I lettuce ketchup with mustard while pickling your imagination? Mayo I remind you, tomato is another day.