Saturday, December 10, 2005

The Four Signs of the Apocalypse

The Four Signs of the Apocoplyse are gaining strength and it is only a matter of time before they destroy us all:

1. Ben Affleck Has Reproduced

The blood is still drying on the seven year contract Affleck signed with Beelzebub. The Best Screenplay Oscar has been tarnished, the Jack Ryan films have grinded to a screeching halt and Liv Tyler's beauty and taste have been questioned since the animal cracker scene in "Armageddon."

Wait a minute. Armageddon? Apocalypse?

Both start with "A", both have 10 letters.

It's all starting to make sense now.

On to #2.

2. Ryan Seacrest Will Co-Host ABC's New Year's Rockin' Eve

This is one of those deals where one would assume the Devil was involved, but actually it's all Merv Griffin's fault.

Here's the story from radio people I have spoken to who worked for the same media company as Seacrest before he was a cue card sputtering goon on "American Idol."

Seacrest provided "favors" to Merv in return for the lucrative TV contract he was eventually blessed with at FOX.

But that isn't what disturbs me about Seacrest, I could care less. That's Hollywood.

It's that he has gotten by on his pool boy looks and killed one of the legends of the broadcasting industry: Rick Dees.

I used to listen to his Top 30 Countdown show while I was playing in the backyard as a kid. His show was amusing and he always brought an infectious energy to the airwaves. He's one of the reasons I decided on radio as a career.

Now Mr. Teeth Whitening is hosting Rick's old time slot at KIIS FM in Los Angeles.. Mr. Dees is now "retired."

And now Hair Gel is segueing into the hosting slot for New Year's Rockin' Eve with Dick Clark.

Another legend will be unseated and the Evil That Is Ryan Seacrest will continue unabated.

3. "Rocky VI" Is Filming Right Now

The official title is "Rocky Balboa", but what's the difference? I remember vividly back in the early 90's on a breezy Thanksgiving Eve, my plane didn't leave until 2am, so I went and PAID to see "Rocky V."

Instead of a ring fight at the end, Rocky takes on Tommy Morrison in an alley with poor lighting and bad editing.

This time, Rocky is widowed (so no neckish Talia Shire in this one...I was so in love with her in the Rocky films, but that's another post) and broke, so he decides to go back in the ring one last time and...

Well, it's not really important.

The highlight of filming so far has been Sly's freakish plastic surgery and a cameo with Mike Tyson during the climactic fight.

When the film is released straight to video in 2007, Sly will be 61 years old and a year away from Social Security.

Then he goes into production for "Rambo IV."

The preceding would all be pretty funny if it weren't for the fact that it was the Third Sign of the Apocalypse.

4. Paris Hilton Is Releasing Her First Album

When will people in one branch of fame stop believing they can excel in others?

Lindsay Lohen is a fine actress, but her music makes me want to rip out my ear canal and feed it to a giraffe.

But it's not her fault. "Yes" people are telling her that every single goddamn thing she creates, including her bowel movements, smells like roses.

Which is exactly the same problem with Miss Hilton.

She was famous for being fabulously wealthy. Then for being a dimwit on a reality show on FOX. And then for answering her cell phone in the middle of her sex video.

Now this.

But that's only part of the reason she merits the Apocolypse rating.

According to "New York Dog" and "Hollywood Dog" (real magazines) she has been voted by readers as Worst Dog Owner Ever.

How can you be a bad dog owner?? They're like 24 hour love sponges that bring nothing but mirth and happiness to their owners.

First she loses Tinkerbell, then she ditches her dog for a cuter dog, then replaces that dog with a ferret, then a monkey, and according to annoying reports, a goat.

Once her album reaches the masses in 2006, the final piece of the Apocalypse Puzzle will be in place and existence as we know it will be no more.

Ben Affleck. Ryan Seacrest. Sylvester Stallone. Paris Hilton.

The Four Talentless Celebrities of the Apocalypse.

1 comment:

  1. I can clearly see the parallels to the visions of the Apocalypse in Revelations and your list.
    I am now hoarding food and water in my homemade bomb shelter.