Monday, December 26, 2005

The Stacy Master Plan 2006

For those of you uninitiated to the reality of the cost of living in the Bay Area, let me attempt to illuminate.

My present salary would be considered satisfactory in the remainder of the country.

In Canada, I could probably own a small home.

In Mexico, I would be El Guapo and possess at least 50 acres of fertile land.

In Antartica I would rule all penguins and they would bring me fish and iced tea and I would thrive in an igloo palace with snow bunnies giggling at my side.


So today I gave my thirty day notice at my overpriced apartment.

I pay $725 a month for a one bedroom apartment that is barely teetering on the brink of 400 square feet.

I consider this far too much.

That is also too much money to be woken up by terrible bassish music or kept awake late at night "cuz your homies gotta toke it, yo."

I hate the Coddingtown peeps.

Anyway, I gave my notice and wandered over to Craigslist and searched under the Rooms/Shared section and responded to two different ads that sounded pleasant enough.

They surprisingly both called me back.

The rooms are small, 10'x10' and 12' x 10' and both overpriced at $500.

And require a $500 deposit.

I don't think I have to tell you that I don't have that kind of money.

I have now designated what I call the "Stacy Master Plan 2006" and it goes as follows:

1. I allow my lease to run out and I move most of my possessions to a storage unit.

2. I reorganize my 8' x 8' office at work to make room for a rolled up piece of foam and pillow.

3. I forward all my mail to a P.O. Box.

4. I sleep on the office floor and use money I would have used for rent and utilities to pay off the remainder of my bills.

Pure genius! Utterly brilliant! Fantastically annoying!

I know you have questions, so I will answer them before you even think them up using the Stacy Mind Trick:

(It's just like a Jedi Mind Trick, only creepier, and with more carbs.)

Won't you get caught living at work?

I usually come in to work at 2pm and stay late so everyone is used to seeing me here after hours. As long as I rise before the lobby opens and park my car away from the building, no one will know.

Won't it be hard to sleep on the floor of your office?

I haven't had a good night's sleep since my first kidney transplant, so this is really a non-issue.

Isn't this truly the act of a desperate man?

I'm a guy with nothing to lose.

Speaking of lose, wouldn't this make you a complete and utter loser?

You see "loser", I see a guy taking care of business.

What are you going to do about showering?

I will rise each weekday morning and take a duffel bag full of clothes with me to the health club. I will do forty-five minutes on the treadmill and then shower and get dressed. This situation will force me to workout more. It's win-win for my health, my pocketbook and those who work in my vicinity.

Can I come live with you in your office fantasy world?

Yes, and bring snacks. I've made room for your sarcasm right here in the wastebasket.

Thank you and good night.


    Other than that, I truly hope you aren't serious. Hell of a master plan- you could also just live in the storage unit....

  2. Well, good idea Tracy, but I'm afraid it won't work out. Around here we have Storage Unit Nazi's. They're cleverly disguised as the semi-retired white people who run said storage units, and they won't let people or like Stacy Without an E or myself live out of storage. *sigh* Bastards. Now then, for Stacy, why not look on the SRJC website under the housing listings? They seems to usually have good leads. Annnnnnd, I know this is more than you wanted to pay for a small room, but I know of a granny unit-esque place that is going for like $600 or $650 or something, and it'd be your own place. In fact, it's over by your work I think. I dunno, but I think she;d be willing to work with you on a deposit, too. Her cousin or sister or somebody is a patient, too. Let me know if you're interested... I'm in the same boat, as you know. But I think out of state is my best hope. *Sigh*

  3. p.s. please forgivew all those typos...evidently I'm not quite awake...

  4. Oh, I so understand. Truly I do. Know the Python's Yorkshiremen sketch? "I used to dream of living in a septic tank?" That one? I'm from Yorkshire, me. :)

    Anyway, good luck for 2006. Who knows, stem cell research might create mice who grow new human kidneys on their backs... and sell them on at reasonable rates.

  5. Tracy: I also thought about pitching a tent on the top of the broadcast center, but I'd probably wake up in the middle of the night and piss off the roof...on to the General Manager's car.

    Julie: Thanks for the update. There are a few places on there, but they all seem to be families renting out a room.

    My past experience has been that roommates are usually very childish to begin with. Why raise that exponentially?

    Spirit of Owl: I haven't seen that sketch, but you've raised my curiosity. California is supposedly supposed to be the future leader of stem cell research, so I'm hoping your comment rings true.

    Although I think I'd rather have a kidney grown from a dog rather than a rat.

    But that's just me...