Saturday, March 26, 2005

The Magnificent Mutation of the Exquisite Alphabet

I will now attempt what no Blogger has ever even imagined performing in the history of contemporary weblog's.

I will now attempt to write a quick paragraph using the entire alphabet at the beginning of each word.

But alphabetically.

I know. Interesting, yet totally useless.

Please. May I have silence as I attempt this unbelievable feat.

Thank you.

(Stacy Without an E closes his eyes and visualizes each letter eight feet tall, each with it's own unique color, and with a furry, Muppet-like texture.)

Ambidextrous beleagured canoodling doesn't exist for general hedonistic individuals. Juxtaposing kinetic linguistics manually nevertheless ostracizes perfectly quixotic, rudimentary sodomites. Tertiary underlings violate whimsically xenophobic yearlings zippers.

(Cue: overly epic symphony music)

I've done it! I am the first blogger in history to successfully type a paragraph using the first letter of every word alphabetically!

What diseased mind would undertake such a venture? Will this individual be rewarded, or cast off into the bowels of time, forever to remain in the stool of history?

I know. Gross.

These are questions I dare not answer.

And this is an experiment I dare not undertake again. I'm presently trying to wrap my mind around the fact that it actually succeeded.

Oh no. Oh no, I don't think so. I hear what you're saying, "But the paragraph makes no sense! You fool! You dim-witted fool!"

I dare you to return to that magnificent paragraph and allow it to seep into the recesses of your mind.

You can't, can you? It is too original, too creative, too taxing on your present mental capacity.

Actually, I just read it over again. It drips with sexual overtones. And it's difficult to read.

I apologize for violating your beautiful alphabet in such a manner.

Here she is, in her purest form:

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

Who would believe, when man first etched his writings upon the rock face of the past, that so many facets of the human condition could deride from such a small collection of letters.

The same combination of letters can create love or tragedy, giggles or tears, simply with a quick rearrangement of the elements.

And that's why I love her so.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

The Catheter Chronicles V: The Final Frontier

I now take you into the bowels of my peritoneal cavity, where a catheter lies, useless and lonely, awaiting the company of a talented surgeon's hands. I imagine that my catheter, although inoperative, is attempting to make friends with my internal organs:

After the first seventeen days, my catheter attempted to begin a conversation with my kidneys.

He tried and tried, but found them rude and unresponsive.

If the catheter actually had some light in which to work, he would have discovered that all four kidneys are dead.

Which would explain their silent, listless disposition.

Upon the nineteenth day inside the body of Stacy Without an E, the catheter awoke to a low, loud thumping sound.

"I'm frightened now," thought my new catheter. "This place was warm and comfortable for a time, now I'm fearful for my future."

If the catheter had been given the opportunity to own a pair of eyes, he would have seen that Stacy Without an E's heart rate had risen 30%, simply because he was attempting to get the courage up to ask out the adorable brunette he had been working with recently.

Once Stacy Without an E was rejected, his heart sank and he allowed a low sigh to emit from his lungs.

Moments later, the catheter sighed as well, because the rumbling of Stacy Without an E's heart had returned to normal.

An enormous amount of time passed, two days in fact, and the catheter could hear his name being uttered from the exterior of Stacy Without an E.

If he had had ears, they would have been burning. He listened more intently, becoming more and more excited each time his name was uttered.

"I'm a star," the catheter thought as he felt a slight pull to his tail.

"Ouch," bellowed the catheter. Considering that the catheter didn't have the ability to speak, the whole event was rather astonishing.

The next few moments passed too quickly for the catheter to register them effectively. He felt the entire cavity in which he dwelled was moving quickly.

But to where, and why, the catheter didn't know.

He did feel as though every nerve around him was slowly going numb. The catheter's thoughts jumped quickly from one to the other and back again.

"Am I dying?? What's happenning to my new home?? Am I too blame??" These were questions that required answers, but there was no one in his vicinity that could offer any help.

And then the strangest thing happened. A small trickle of light began to fill the catheter's home. It was weak at first, but quickly gained in strength. The catheter could finally use his remaining senses to view his cavity.

It was the most beautiful sight he had ever witnessed.

But then, suddenly, and without warning, everything changed. A finger reached in and began to tug at his form.

"I don't want to go! I don't want to go! Stop it! What's wrong with you?? I like it here! This is my home!"

All his exclamations were useless. He was swept from his home of twenty-three days.

And what happened next, the catheter wasn't prepared for either.

He felt free. Freer that he had ever felt during his short, plasticized existence. He was flying through the air, quickly, gracefully, and without a care.

As he peered down to his destination, his vision was unable to process the information quickly enough.

A large white container with a huge, strong lid suddenly opened.

The last image the catheter ever remembered was the red seal on the top of the lid.

"Waste Removal."

The catheter's life was over, even before it began.

He tried to make friends. He attempted to make a home. But it was all to no avail.

If there were any fairness to the world, the catheter would have been honored for his attempt to bring a better life to Stacy Without an E.

But some things are never meant to be.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Get to Know Your Local Stacy

Get to know me!

Why do I chew ice in the nude? Why does Jello feel good in your pants?

Get to know me!

Why am I clinically dateless every Saturday? Why is there a tube dancing out of my belly?

Get to know me!

When someone forwards me e-mail, my brain gets all itchy. And the only cure for an itchy brain is intelligent thought.

Failing that, I thought I would answer all these questions in an e-mail my sister sent me.

Yeah, my Muse is in the corner reading Mad Magazine.

I didn't even know they still printed Mad Magazine.

I guess that's why my brain is itchy.

1. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER?

"The Incredibles". I'll probably stop talking about this film around Labor Day, but I love to bathe in unadulterated creativity. It also brings up a very interesting topic...what would your superhero name be? That's right, I'd be Dateless Wonder.

2. BOOK ARE YOU READING?

"The Well Fed Writer" by Peter Bowerman. What, you thought I was going to be a dopey DJ until my 40's?? I've only really had two dreams since college ended: become a broadcaster and a professional writer. Halfway there...

3. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?

I'm really old school when it comes to questions like these...Monopoly. Everybody knows the rules and all that money feels really good. I've heard the Euro looks like the Monopoly pink bills...

4. FAVORITE MAGAZINE?

"Entertainment Weekly", hands down. I read it cover to cover every week when it arrives. I can't remember the last time I wasn't a subscriber.

5. FAVORITE SMELLS?

BBQ on a summer afternoon, movie popcorn fresh out of the popper, freshly cut firewood, oven baked pepperoni and sausage pizza, freshly cut spring grass, the musty smell of a room filled with vinyl records (takes me back to my college radio days) and sweet squiggly.

6. FAVORITE FOODS?

All I need is fresh taqueria mexican food and oven baked pizza.

7. FAVORITE SOUND?

A part of me from my childhood still thrills to the sound of a freshly squeezed fart. I'll laugh for hours...

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?

That lonely feeling late at night when it's 1am in the hospital and you wonder why no one came to visit you again today... Also, whenever I make anyone cry.

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKEUP?

Why does God hate me so much...

10. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?

Wendy's rules all fast food restaurants. I'm on a sabatical from fast food right now, but once I return I'll be stuffing my face with a Double Bacon Cheeseburger. Heaven until it mutates in my lower intestine. Please see #7 for more information.

11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?

For a daughter, Amelia, after my baby sister and my grandmother. All my sons will be named Stacy.

12. FINISH THIS STATEMENT. "IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY...I'D QUIT MY JOB...

...and travel all over the world, become an international playboy and buy that island with that theme park on it.

13. DO YOU DRIVE FAST?

I used to when I was younger, but I haven't pulled over for speeding in years. I can't deal with the insurance hikes and my vision has really deteriorated to the point where I don't want to hurt anyone.

14. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?

No, but I still have my teddy bear from when I was a kid. He's in the living room high atop a bookshelf. He guards the TV.

15. STORMS-COOL OR SCARY?

Storms are highly entertaining. I wish we had more thunderstorms here in the North Bay.

16. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?

A 1980 Ford Mustang. I used to call it the "Milk Carton" in high school because it was made mostly of plastic. I had a lot of great memories of growing up in that car though...and I delivered a helluva lot of pizza.

17. FAVORITE DRINK?

The most complete beverage on the planet is simple: Coca-Cola in a tall glass with those little squares of ice. Drinking it out of the can is obscene.

18. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "IF I HAD THE TIME"

I'd do a better job of trying to improve myself as a person.

19. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI?

Yes, but I'd prefer to draw a big, fat celery (old Abbott & Costello joke.)

20. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULDBE YOUR CHOICE?

I'd go blonde just to see if I had more fun. And then I'd quickly change back because I enjoy having dark brown hair, although there's a little too much grey for my taste these days.

21. NAME ALL THE DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS YOU HAVE LIVED IN:

Stockton, CA., Pismo Beach, CA., Long Beach, CA., West L.A., CA., Las Cruces, NM., Santa Rosa, CA.

22. NAME ALL THE STATES/COUNTRIES YOU HAVE VISITED:

California, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, Washington, Arizona, Nevada, West Virginia and U.S. Lite (Mexico.)

23. GLASS - HALF EMPTY OR FULL?

Goddamnit...I dropped the glass. Sigh.

24. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?

All-American Football! And I'm not even sure if I enjoy watching the games or studying all the statistics associated with the game. Every season I'm on NFL.com using their stat section to compare every other team's QB against the Steelers.

25. ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU:

My baby sister is the most giving person I know. I have her kidney to remind me of her every day.

26. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?

Unvacuumed carpet because I don't have a bed frame for my new queen mattress and box spring.

27. TOILET PAPER -OVER OR UNDER?

Over. I'm a neat freak. If it's under it looks wrong. Of course, it looks really wrong after I use it.

28. SEAT UP OR DOWN?

I live alone and I hate to miss in the middle of the night so I usually leave it up. This has been the Things NO ONE Wanted to Know About Stacy Section.

29. MORNING PERSON, OR NIGHT OWL?

Before I had so much work to do I could sleep into noon every day and work until all hours of the night. I imagine my hell would be getting up at 5am every morning and being greeted by bright, cheery annoying people everywhere you went. Why do you think I don't go on the air until 3pm every afternoon? I'm not usually conscious until 1pm.

28. OVER EASY OR SUNNY SIDE UP?

I like my women both ways.

31. FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX?

On the couch with my Netflix DVD's. Sometimes they're my only friend.

Thanks for...getting to know me!

Sunday, March 20, 2005

The Catheter Chronicles IV: The Quest for Peace

I'm this close to telling these medical goons to just yank out this thing and use it for a tether ball rope.

Sigh.

Today was another CAT scan. For those of you uninitiated, you have to drink a chalky, nauseating barium substance a couple hours before this procedure. Fortunately it's non-evasive, so I've got that going for me.

I haven't heard any results yet, but I can just begin to imagine how the conversation will go:

"Hi, Stacy...it's Dr. I."

I will attempt to sound enthused.

"Howdy, Dr. I. How are things?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news."

Since I've slowly morphed into a pessimist over these last few years, I request the bad news first.

"We have no idea what's wrong with your catheter."

"Ooookkkkk. What's the good news?"

"I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico."

I know. The fifteen minutes of media humor that company has soaked up should have dried up long ago. But talking lizards make me laugh.

In other news, I am putting something I used to value up on the block:

BUY YOUR OWN RADIO SHOW

Slightly used, highly annoying radio show for sale to highest bidder. Needs remodeling. And a squeagy. Will trade for tasty pepperoni pizza. Or Winona Ryder paraphenelia. Inquire within.

Thank you for your patronage.