Thursday, April 07, 2005

Fill-In Blogger: My Toaster Oven

(Stacy Without an E is presently in the hospital having surgery on his dialysis catheter. About this time he's probably eating lime Jello and wondering why the patient in the bed next to him can't seem to stop farting. We all wish him well. In his place while he's out is his toaster oven. Enjoy!)

Jesus, I'm so glad that freaks frickin' gone.

(Stacy's toaster oven opens his glass door as his volume increases.)

Goddamnit it's so booooring here. I sit on my fat ass here on the counter and make toast. I'm a frickin' toaster oven goddmanit! I can bake and broil and do twenty other things this idiot never uses. Loser bachelor.

And you think he'd give me some company here on the counter! I get pretty goddamn lonely. Buy a regular toaster. Get yourself a hot blender. Give me something to flirt with goddamnit.

(Stacy's Toaster Oven's slider grills shelves begin to rattle as his anger grows.)

And the movies he watches...Jee-zuss Chirst-o-rama! Who the hell wants to watch the frickin' Star Wars movies...again! Dude has a boner for light sabers or something. And if I have to watch "Airplane!" one more goddamn time I'm gonna burn down this poor excuse for an apartment!

Okay. Sorry. You're right. I'm pretty pissed off. Why couldn't I be some Hollywood celebrity's toaster oven? No, I end up in this hell hole staring at the pale oven. I'm not into big appliances so it's a big frickin' waste of my time.

I guess before I wrap up filling in for Stacy Without an E, and a life, I should say something profound.

Fuck Proctor-Silex.

Thank you and good night.

(The proprieter's of Stacy Without An E's blog wish to apologize for the preceding blog. We knew we should have asked the microwave to fill in.)

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Catheter Eve: The Sequel

I'm feeling rather dejavuish all over. It's kinda sticky with a rather foul aroma. And my belly is beginning to hurt just thinking about how unpleasant the whole previous experience was.

The fact that he screwed it up the first time I allowed him to slice up my abdomen isn't making this any easier.

So here I go again, dressed in the best looking suit of faith you've ever seen.

Actually, I'll be honest. It's kinda worn and faded in color.

But at least it's all still in one piece.

Let us travel back in time fellow bloggers to a time when the space to the right of my navel was unscathed...

Oh, what a beautiful time that was! When I would take a shower, I would look down and only see two scars on my belly from previous kidney transplants, not three. And there wasn't a two foot long tube of plastic stretching from my lower abdomen to my left knee.

Gas prices were lower! Rainstorms were plentiful! The Final Four hadn't blemished our TV screens!

It was a glorious time in my life and I squandered it with DVD's and ogling beautiful women.

What a foolish young child I was then, when my belly was bi-scarred.

Now I'm like a poor puppy with a short leash, being led around by my lack of physical health.

Sigh.

For the past seven days I was dead set against doing this again. If they were going in, they were going to do so to remove this ridiculous thing. But the benefits will be overwhelming, if they can just come true.

My Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights will be mine again. My arm will begin to heal from all the needle marks.

And best of all, my soul will start to slowly resemble the Old School Stacy Without an E.

Gee, I miss him.

He was funny, quick-witted and easily prone to the Stacy Laugh.

He was likable, easy-going and people actually like being around him.

I hope he returns, because we have some well-earned catching up to do.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Insomnia is My Bestest Friend Ever

I first met Insomnia in high school moments after discovering "Late Night with David Letterman" for the first time.

Dave spoke to my sensibilities, even at such a tender young age. He was just like me: dorky, funny and a big fan of velcro.

I was getting up to turn off the TV when Insomnia reached for my wrist. She guided my hand back to the remote with a big smile on her face.

"But I have to get up at 6am and go to school. I have calculus at 7:30."

My protests went unheard.

Insomnia was a beautiful creature, long raven hair, milky skin and the largest brown eyes I had ever seen.

But she was pure evil.

Night after night I would try to go to bed early so I wouldn't fall asleep in English class, but she always found something to keep my attention.

Some nights it was classic black and white films. Others it was a contest to see who could make bologna stick to my bedroom wall longer.

We had so much fun together, but I paid for it ten-fold the following day.

If you were to glance at my high school yearbook, you would see that most everyone signed their entry, "P.S. Get Some Sleep!"

When I showed it to Insomnia the next evening...sorry, I mean morning, because Insomnia never dropped by until Letterman was nearly over, she found it high-larious.

It was then she knew she had full control over my life.

When I began to get older, and "real life" dictated that I get a "real job", I realized she was "real serious" about us.

But not in a positive way.

She began to whisper doubts about my future into my ear. When I would have a date, she would tell me how grotesque and freakish I was because of my medical condition and that no one would ever truly love me like she did. The moment I talked about my dreams of being on the radio she would cackle, catch her breath and the shake her head at how foolish I was.

I've tried everything to rid myself of her...Restirol, Vicodin, Ambien and sixteen other medications I can't pronounce. Most of these knock people out cold. Not me. Insomnia makes sure that I have her full attention at all times.

Last night she was especially giddy because I received a call at 1am telling me the station was off the air. When I returned hours later, there she was in her adorable little pajamas, grinning as usual.

Like I said before, pure evil.

I wish to be free of her, but I can't seem to find a good night's sleep.

There's one thing, and only thing that will make her leave me for good.

Happiness.

The day I can look myself in the mirror and see myself smiling back will be the day she dies.

And that day can't come too soon. And it better.

Before it's too late.

Monday, April 04, 2005

"I Believe," Bellowed Stacy

When was the last time you actually stopped, looked yourself straight in the eye and and stood by your beliefs?

Nobody may have asked, but I will do so now:

--- I believe all this communication technology may be neat-o, but it's slowly stealing our humanity.

--- I believe that you don't need to shove your tongue down my throat for me to fully appreciate kissing you.

--- I believe most music today is overprocessed, underwritten and excruciating to listen to.

--- I believe Butter Pecan ice cream just before bedtime can balance out an incredibly crappy day.

--- I believe short-haired women are much more attractive than long-haired women. And they're usually more fun to be around.

--- Satellite radio will eventually overwhelm the industry I hold so dear.

--- I believe trampling the Constitution for your own personal agenda is grotesque.

--- I believe Winona Ryder will eventually write me back.

--- I believe contemporary organized religion will eventually and completely doom us all.

--- I believe the true worth of a friend can be measured in how long they visit you in the hospital, even if they're frightened to death of being in one.

--- I believe most people in management positions are complete and utter imbecile's.

--- I believe George Carlin is undeniably the most entertaining creative genius I've ever had the pleasure of paying $15 to see.

--- I believe the Pittsburgh Steelers will win a Super Bowl while my Dad and I are still alive to enjoy it together.

--- I believe most women are angels, and the rest of us are schmucks.

--- I believe Ryan Seacrest should shut the hell up.

--- I believe you can't truly appreciate your life until you've stared death in the face.

--- I believe future generations will look back on contemporary medical practices and turn their eyes away at how barbaric all of it truly is.

--- I believe most of what is featured in the many incarnations of "Star Trek" will come true. Except "Enterprise." God that show was awful.

--- I believe nothing tastes better than a BBQ'd hamburger during summertime in Northern California.

--- I believe most people would wilt if they had to live my life for a week.

--- I believe one of the most important jobs on the planet is being a good parent.

--- I believe liberalism causes more ills than it solves.

--- I believe if most people would just lie out in the sun for a couple hours every few days, they wouldn't need all these anti-depression medications.

--- I believe it will take years and years for people to really appreciate how much South Park is pure satirical genius.

--- I believe Larry King is a poorly built android.

--- I believe we're being watched more often by the government and less by an invisible man in the sky that floats on a cloud and judges everything we do.

--- I believe white guys who shave their heads when they lose three hairs look like clueless Neo-Nazi's.

--- I believe Ben Affleck should quit making movies. Period.

--- I believe aliens are watching us, but they're just not that impressed by what they're seeing.

--- I believe if people just started eating more, oh, what are they called now...FRUITS AND VEGETABLES, a good percentage of our health problems would disappear.

--- I believe I'm one of those guys who has terrible luck with women because my soul is waiting for "the one".

--- I believe Indian casinos are an indirect way for Indians to be paid back for what our ancestors did to their land.

--- I believe if a candidate for political office honestly and truthfully said what was on his or her mind, the entire system would collapse.

--- I believe hard core, incurable criminals should undergo painful dialysis treatments before being placed in the electric chair.

--- I believe crying can be theraputic, as long as you don't do it every time you see a Hallmark commercial.

--- I believe when children make their Christmas wish lists to Santa, they should only list three things they really, really want. The rest of the letter should be about how they can make the world a better place.

--- I believe a flat tax would do this country wonders, but it will never happen.

--- I believe most fat people aren't lazy or stupid, they just lack self control.

--- I believe we need to round up all the Baldwin's before they act again. Except for Alec. He gets a pass for his work in "The Cooler."

--- I believe the entire staff at Pixar are creative geniuses.

--- I believe I want to punch a good number of you I meet in everyday life. The only thing keeping me from doing so is a little thing called "self control."

--- I believe I've used up enough of your time.

And finally, if any of the above does not agree with you, I believe I don't care.