Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Jedi Knight: Stay-See Goon

I am about to share something that could bring days upon months of ridicule and mockery upon me, but I don't care. I'm a guy with nothing to lose...

I have the power of the Force.

I know. Go on. Mock me. I don't care.

For those of you who ridiculed me too soon, I didn't mention if I were a Jedi or a Sith, did I?

Deep down in my soul, I realize I'm a Sith with a pure desire to be a true Jedi.

I know, conflicted I am.

I discovered these powers quite by accident. I was helping my ex-roomie Carson move into his new apartment after his divorce and the couch became quite a problem. The door to his new apartment opened directly into a hallway, so there was no way to make the corner.

Or so we thought.

I'm a little scrawny guy, but so was Yoda, so stay with me on this. They tried it eight different ways and debated whether to have it dropped in by helicopter. I told them I was going to use the power of the Force to help move the couch in.

Once the laughter died down, they tried again. I used the Force. I used it with all my 112lb. might. I bent the couch ever so slightly to allow it to enter the apartment unscathed.

You should have seen their faces. They looked at me as though I was mad. I had done it! I had used the Force to alter the physics of time and space to allow the couch to become one with the apartment.

I was a hero.

For the following few weeks, I tried to use the Force, but to no avail. I tried turning on my TV without getting up and hitting the power switch. Nothing.

When I was at Trader Joe's, I tried in vain to use a Force push to move that adorable short-haired brunette in my powerful direction. Again, nada.

It wasn't until recently, when I was at dialysis, that I began to realize the power of the Force once again.

Imagine it, with the full power of the Force at my disposal, imagine what I could accomplish. I could manipulate the Force to eliminate all the wastes from my body and put them in the system of every single individual who works at the rock station across the hall. Triumph!

And then, when dialysis tried to force me to return to that ghastly place, I could whip out my midnight blue lightsaber and slice it's power cord. Triumph...the sequel!

Think of all I could accomplish! I could go back and slice out Jar Jar Binks out of all the prequels! I could alter all short-haired women's wardrobe with one single Force push, making it mandatory that they all wear sundresses...always!

Wait a minute. Oh no. I can't believe it. That's the dark side of the Force talking. Forcing beautiful women to display their wonderful figures in sundresses regardless of whether they believe their butt to be large or not. What is happenning to me??

It's all Dialysis' fault! It's holding me back! I should be the most powerful Jedi ever!

And you know what's worse? I'm whining, just like Anakin in Episode II. Exactly like Luke in Episode V.

I'm not a Jedi, I'm a furry little Ewok. I poke people with spears and believe annoying androids to be my God.

When it comes down to it, I realize the Force, with all it's mystical power and possibility, can't save me from who I really am.

Han Solo.

I'm a rascal, a scoundral, a scruffy nerf herder who's always cracking wise without a care.

That's not such a bad thing really. I end up with Princess Leia. And I help take down the Empire.

And every night, before I lay my head to sleep, I get to see Leia in the gold bikini.

And that's all I ever really wanted in the first place.