Saturday, June 11, 2005

ThirTeen Angst

Most of my previous posts regarding my personal life can be explained with one broad stroke of reality:

--- I am the first born of the thirteenth child in a family.

This requires much more illumination, which I will now provide.

My Mom was born in Jamestown, North Dakota on a wonderfully warm July afternoon in the wonderfully nostalgic year of 1942.

Before her had been six brothers and six sisters, the oldest now about to celebrate her 90th birthday.

Hold on. I'll do the calculations for you. That means there is a 27 year difference between my Mom and her oldest sibling.

My grandmother was quite the busy woman.

I believe this is the due to the obscenely cold winters. If you subtract nine months from July, you get roughly November.

Harsh winters. Gotta keep warm. Nine months later my Mom was born.

Thus, every medical problem, every financial difficulty, even my glorious feminine name, can be traced back to being the first born of the thirteenth child in a family.

Ok, not really. Numerologists most likely differ though.

This weekend my Aunt Inez will be celebrating her 90th birthday. On my father's side (he is 73 by the way), his father lived to be 90.

With genetics on my side, I could live to be at least 90.

Now subtract, on average, seven years for dialysis.

We must also subtract seven years for each kidney transplant, which equals fourteen.

I will also have another kidney transplant within the next five years.

Thus, the final Stacy equation looks like this:

90 - {Dialysis - Kidney Transplant x (3) } = 62

We should probably subtract a month for every fast food meal I inject into my gullet.

That's - 5 years.

I abuse vicodin regularly, so that's probably another -2 years.

I encounter massive amounts of stress on a daily basis and my blood pressure is extremely high due to kidney failure, so in combination, that's another - 7 years.

My official age at demise, due to intense calculations, has been reasonably assured to be 48.

Now, subtract my impending age of 35, and the result is 13.

Thirteen years to create a legacy worthy of Stacy Without an E.

Which is the number I began with in the first place.

That can't be a coincidence.