Friday, July 15, 2005

Dateless Wonder Boy

Once dialysis began, I ceased all dating activities.

That loud sigh you hear is from the female population of Sonoma County, relieved that my gawky, 115 pound frame wasn't annoying them with my leering stares and sheepish hello's.

Lately though, I've felt as though it was time to accept my present existence and seek out a potential Stacy Without an E Girlfriend 2005.

This is what I mused upon as I entered the Sonoma Valley Bagel Shop. I adore this place. They recently came under new ownership and remodeled, but kept the same tasty, quality salt bagels that I injest on a weekly basis.

I placed my order and glanced around to find myself a comfortable place in which to people watch.

Much like the Terminator, my radar like vision slowly peered around the floor of the bagel shop.

Beep. Beep. Stacy Seating Radar in Scanning Mode. Beep. Beep.

Fat Man at table near corner window. Probably makes numerous gastrointestinal noises and belches without covering his ever food indulging mouth.

Beep. Beep. Unsuitable for seating.

Middle Aged Woman who appears pregnant but is probably just clinically obese reading US Weekly. Will probably ask opinion about the whole Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie debacle.

Beep. Beep. Unsuitable for seating.

Short-Haired Redhead in skimpy shorts and tank top with milky skin and deep blue eyes.

Woo! Woo! Highly suitable for seating. Woo! Woo!

Switch to Ultra Flirting Mode.

Also switching to Anti-Erect Mode.

I chose the seat at the next table and tossed out an innocent glance to gauge a response.

She glanced back.

Warning! Warning! All Systems Reaching Overload! Inhale! Inhale! Slowly! Damnit!

"Hi, what are you reading?"

Her head was resting on her hand as she smiled and glanced back at her periodical.

"Oh, just a magazine my girlfriend lent me. Would you like the newspaper?"

"No, thank you."

Warning! Warning! Uncomfortable pause! Uncomfortable pause! Swtich to Relaxed Cool Guy Mode!

"I was actually just trying to think of a way to introduce myself."

She laughed. "Well, if I were grading you, I'd give you a B-."

"You're a generous grader."

"I'm in a generous mood."

Warning! Warning! Female Subject's Flirting Mode Has Been Detected! Proceed With Caution!

I rose to take the seat next to her. Her name was Megan and she was nearly finished with her certification program to become a teacher. When she laughed, her eyes squinted, exposing two adorable dimples.

I'm a sucker for dimples, regardless of their size.

We spoke of work, where we lived, our families, where we grew up; it was a fantastic conversation and she was really enjoyable to talk to.

If I wasn't careful, I might actually have a date for Saturday night.

But then, it happened.

Do I really need to tell you??

Dialysis stepped through the door and ruined everything.

I was so caught up in the conversation that I forgot that I had two massive pieces of gauze taped to my left forearm.

I tried to hide it from the beginning of our conversation, but as I felt more comfortable, I totally forgot it's nasty presence.

I was telling her about my favorite Italian restaurant, attempting to segue into a request for another meeting when Dialysis ripped one of the bandages from my arm.

There it hung like a huge exclamation point in the middle of the bagel shop.

"Are you ok? What's wrong with your arm?"

There, in plain view of Megan, God and anyone else who might have been gawking, was the arterial section of my dialysis graft. It was red, bloody and a little puffy.

Her eyes, her beautiful, bright french blue eyes suddenly became wide with horror.

Warning! Warning! Switching to Panic Mode! Attempting to Correct!

I quickly grabbed the tape and tried to affix it back into place.

But it was too late.

"You know, I have a meeting I have to, you know, um, get to. It was nice to meet you."

The breeze from her exit pushed the used napkins I was using from the table. They fell to the floor along with any hope I have of ever meeting anyone.

Beep. Beep. Flirting Mode Terminated.

Sigh.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Stacy Explains the Bullcrap

So everyone is getting mastrubatory fantasies about the excitement held within the cinematic walls of this new film "Stealth."

This film is about...ooooohhhhh...what happens when this country's most advanced jet somehow comes alive and begins to attack it's maker.

Little does the feeble minded moviegoer know, this film is simply another remake, to be lumped together with the piling steams of celluloid known as "Bewitched" and "Dukes of Hazzard."

"Stealth" is simply a retread of the 80's action series "Airwolf" which in itself was a TV ripoff of "Blue Thunder."

"Airwolf" was weighted down by the failing star of Ernest Borgnine and fueled by the boozing of Jan Michael Vincent.

Near the end of the series run, IQ-depleted network executives at NBC decided to combine two of their past inventions, have them fall in love and call it "Airwolf Loves K.I.T.T."

The pilot was filmed and scheduled for a September 1986 premiere when K.I.T.T. ran off with the DeLorean from the "Back to the Future" films.

This didn't last long because the DeLorean from "Back to the Future" bumped into "Herbie: The Love Bug" at a party and they ran off together, leaving poor Airwolf to fend for itself in syndication.

Since IQ-depleted NBC network executives didn't wish to waste what they felt was a stellar idea, they changed the leads of the show and called it "Joanie Loves Chachi."

This has been the first of many editions of "Stacy Explains the Bullcrap."

Thank you and good night.