Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Coming to a Theater Near You

The lights in the aging art house dim and talking morphs into a mere whisper. A lone flicker of incandescent light dances across the whithering movie screen.

And suddenly, it begins...

BALLSY VOICE (V.O.)

He was tethered to death...

INT. ANEMIC DIALYSIS CLINIC - DAY

A quick flash of blood filled tubing flickers across our vision.

By the possibility of life...

INT. ANEMIC DIALYSIS CENTER - DAY

We continue to follow the blood filled tubing to its final destination: a frail human arm.

NURSE GABY
(glancing over a chart)

Dialysis is the best technology at present to provide an adequate quality of life.

STACY WITHOUT AN E
(blood suddenly spurting from his arm)

How do you say that with a straight face?

BALLSY VOICE (V.O.)

Just when hope seems a distant memory...

INT. SHABBY APARTMENT - NIGHT

STACY WITHOUT AN E lumbers into his apartment and tosses his keys in a neaby wicker change basket.

STACY WITHOUT AN E
(speaking to someone offscreen)

My biggest fear...
(beat)
...is that dialysis is slowly stealing my soul.

BALLSY VOICE (V.O.)

Fate takes a chance...

INT. ANEMIC DIALYSIS CLINIC - NIGHT

A dialysis filter slips from a tech's hands and ever so slowly shatters to the floor. MIGUEL glances around to make sure no one has caught on to his mistake.

MIGUEL
(whispering to himself)

They're gonna dock my frickin' pay again.

MIGUEL searches to find another empty filter, but there are none available.

NURSE GABY
(off screen)

You're lagging again El.

MIGUEL grabs a filter from a cabinet labeled "Deceased" and quickly slaps on a new label.

It says: "STACY WITHOUT AN E."

EXT. RACETRACK - DAY

STACY WITHOUT AN E is dressed in what appears to be a tailored sweatsuit. His color has returned to his face and there's fire in his eyes.

STACY WITHOUT AN E
(running by)

Should I try out for the NFL? Maybe the Olympics.

STACY WITHOUT AN E sprints faster than he ever has before, breezing past MIA who has her arms folded and a look of disdain upon her face. At the end of the track is a park bench where STACY ends his run with a 360 degree flip onto the seat.

MIA
(mouth gaping open)

What the hell...

STACY WITHOUT AN E performs a complete and utter dorkathon dance on the park bench.

...is that bastard up to??

INT. ANEMIC DIALYSIS CLINIC - DAY

NURSE GABY is administering another needle injection. STACY WITHOUT AN E is smiling and in good spirits.

STACY WITHOUT AN E

I'm ready. Let's go. I could do three hours every day. Bring it on.

INT. ANEMIC DIALYSIS "WASH ROOM"

NURSE GABY
(whispering)

What do you mean you just 'grabbed another one'?

MIGUEL

Well...

In the shadows of the hallway we catch a glimpse of an ELDERLY GENTLEMAN known only as WISER. He stands motionless and the only feature apparent is the smile upon his face.

INT. STACY'S KITCHEN - DAY

Parts of all shapes and sizes are scattered about the kitchen floor as STACY WITHOUT AN E is tinkering with a number of kitchen appliances. Remnants of a toaster oven, blender, microwave oven, electric can opener and the refrigerator are EVERYWHERE.

The front door opens to reveal MIA.

MIA
(shocked)

What the fu...

STACY WITHOUT AN E looks up beaming.

STACY WITHOUT AN E

It came to me after dialysis last night.

MIA

Baby, what are you doing?

STACY WITHOUT AN E
(returning to his creation)

Building you your dream car.

BALLSY VOICE (V.O.)

If you were given a chance to rebuild your life with the talents of others...
would you accept the consequences?

INT. MIA'S APARTMENT - DAY

MIA

I tried to talk to your charge nurse. She's hiding something.

STACY WITHOUT AN E

I know. And I don't care.

BALLSY VOICE (V.O.)

Steve Buscemi...

MIGUEL

All I did was try to cover my ass. One mistake and now Frankensein reigns free.

BALLSY VOICE (V.O.)

Joan Allen...

NURSE GABY

You'll do it again, and again until the money stops coming in and he tells us we're done.

BALLSY VOICE (V.O.)

Winona Ryder...

MIA

When you looked at yourself and saw a frail, pitiful guy...
(beat)
...I saw the strongest soul I know.

BALLSY VOICE (V.O.)

And a special appearance by Jack Nicholson as Wiser.

THE WISER
(whispering)

You have been give an opportunity few could ever imagine.
(beat)
Don't squander your chance at immortality.

BALLSY VOICE (V.O.)

And introducing Stacy Without an E in his first starring role.

STACY WITHOUT AN E

What you're seeing now is the man I truly deserve to be.

The screen suddenly goes black. All that can be heard is the slow, methodical pump of a dialysis machine. The letters of the words "DIALYSIS MAN" slowly snake their way on screen, anemic white lettering over a pitch black screen.

Snaking moments later after each letter appears is dark reddish blood, filling up each block letter one by one.

A regular hearbeat can be heard at normal resting rate. It suddenly increases faster and faster until the screen CUTS TO BLACK.

The "DIALYSIS MAN" logo snakes away and is replaced with "SUMMER 2009."

BALLSY VOICE (V.O.)

Sometimes a hero doesn't need to be super.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Deafening Body Language

It happened all of a sudden, without warning, all over my favorite Late Show with David Letterman t-shirt.

I tried to cease it's motion across my collar, but it was to no avail.

It rarely happens anymore, because I've used most of them up.

I cried.

Not a balling, whailing cry mind you. But an involuntary reaction to a wealth of pain that has been building up over the past fifteen months due to my health situation.

I was embarrassed. My pride shriveled. The balding elderly gentleman across the clinic frowned in disgust. The techs whispered amongst themselves over what was occuring.

And then it wouldn't stop.

I used my shirt and then a medical sheet to wipe them away, but the realization of my current situation just made it worse.

And the entire time this humiliating experience was taking place, Dialysis sat nearby and laughed his bulbous ass off.

I didn't notice him at first, but the aroma of Marlboro Lights and three day old Cheetos were too obvious to ignore.

And he didn't just laugh at me. He grabbed his protruding abdomen with both hands and rolled back and forth along the floor, cackling with a high pitch squeal.

When he finally caught his breath, he brushed away tears of laughter just to mock me.

"You...are...so...fucking...pitiful," he growled as he made his way to my chair.

"Boo-fucking-hoo you worthless pussy!"

"I couldn't help it, " I sputtered. "It just happened. It was my body releasing pent up pain and frustration."

I paused to wipe away the remaining evidence of my earlier emotions in hope that Dialysis would just walk away and find someone else to torcher.

"You don't think I have better things to do? I return again and again because you're so fucking hilarious!"

Dialysis began to take patient filters and juggle them in the air. One by one, he returned them to their hangers in the wash room, all except one.

"Oops," he grinned as the final unfortunate filter crashed and splattered all over the clinic floor.

The embarrassed tech looked around sheepishly and began to mutter a "sorry" as everyone's attention was drawn to his direction.

My needles were finally removed as my body breathed a huge sigh of relief. I felt like an aged basketball whose last pound of air had been squeezed from its ragged form.

I was watching Comedy Central and holding my sites when I looked over to see a huge puddle of blood all over my favorite t-shirt.

Tears and blood. My body just couldn't finish the night without making a final exclamation.

I read a story recently on the air about how Japanese scientists have created the first lifelike, workable android.

I would like to take this opportunity to be the first to place an order.

I want him to be 6'4" with dark hair, hazel eyes and dripping with charisma.

He should also be 100% HEALTHY.

I'll pick him up on Thursday.