Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Stacy's Tasty Mind Nuggets!

Dizziness prevails as I remain conscious just long enough to present a blog entry that will be completely devoid of maturity and substance.

That's right. It's time for Stacy's Tasty Mind Nuggets!

The title, "Stacy's Tasty Mind Nuggets!" has an added "!" in hopes that this post will be more entertaining.

You know, like the "Airplane!" and "Naked Gun!" movies.

Never mind.

1. If I don't make out with somebody REALLY soon, I'm going to go completely frickin' insane.

2. This entire election was proposed by one individual with the backing of his representative party.

I'm going to hold an election to decide whether or not I will be the leader of all short-haired women populating mankind.

See how stupid the preceding sounded?

I believe I've made my point.

3. I would like the chance, just once, to be a receiver for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

"Roethlisberger, back to throw. He takes a five step drop, his line is holding. He throws a spitfire to Stacy Without an E in the backfield on the post. It's complete! What a catch!"

"Wait a minute John. He was just sandwiched between two Cleveland defenders."

"You know Scott, he made the touchdown, but he doesn't appear to be moving."

"Although this puts the Steelers in the Super Bowl, this doesn't look good."

As the camera tilts down to see STACY'S FACE, we see that he's smiling.

And dead.

4. I wish those ridiculously hopeful commercials for eHarmony would stop airing.

That creepy old guy comes on, you know, the one who looks as though he was manufactured by the same creators of the Larry King android? Then you see a couple of happy actors bestow upon the world that they couldn't find one another without the help of eHarmony.

Aaah. How sweet.

Here's my deal with this company. You're matched by your individual attributes.

Now if I were to head to the site and take the time to fill out all the psychological information, I would end up receiving e-mail's from demonic women who've served jail time and call everyone Bernie.

That's unfortunate, because I believe my Demons deserve better.

5. I love it when long haired women put their hair up in a bun. It drives me crazy.

(That breeze you feel is the wind created by all long haired women letting their hair down at exactly the same time, simply because I find it attractive.)

6. I've been living on what I assume is about 500-600 calories a day simply because I have no appetite.

Popsicles. Bananas. Cereal. Green onions.

That's pretty much my diet lately.

You want to really piss off people with a weight problem? Casually mention in an offhand manner how you forgot to eat a meal. It doesn't matter which one, take your choice.

This drives them absolutely insane and makes part of my soul giggle just a little.

That is, when I'm not dizzy from forgetting to eat.

7. I spend a good 25% of my day fixing problems created by my "Manager."

(I have placed his title in quotes because each and every day he "manages" to screw things up.)

What really irks me is he's been under contract for the last three years and I'm an at-will employee.

One day I will run my own radio station and remember how poorly he managed and become the most magnificent Program Director ever.

8. One of the last women I dated told me to cover my dialysis access because it was really gross.

Her opinion still wounds me to this day.

9. Although Radio doesn't fill my pocketbook, it somehow still manages to recharge my soul.

And I'm pretty damn good at it.

10. My next door neighbors blast really crappy music at all hours of the day. From 8:3o in the frickin' morning to 2:30 in the A.M. My upstairs neighbors blast really bad redneck TV at hours similar to my next door neighbors.

I have fantasies, although they don't last very long, where I take a lighter fluid, spray it on their door and light it on fire.

That'll teach 'em.

Then I calm down and call the landlord.

Again.

11. I occassionally stop by Ford dealerships to browse the new Mustang's. I can't afford to purchase one, mind you. I use it as incentive to force myself to continue to better my resume package so I can get the hell out of here.

And treat myself to one in the future.

12. Once I win the lottery I'm going to become an International Playboy for a year.

Since this will involve dating very beautiful, but very shallow women, I'll probably get really annoyed and bored much sooner than that.

Like three weeks.

13. I will also use a portion of my lotto winnings to help Congress realize that we need a National Donor program where people can legally, and safely, sell their kidneys for fun and profit.

14. If it weren't for Dialysis, I would probably be farther in my Radio career.

If it weren't for Dialysis, I probably wouldn't appreciate how much I've accomplished so far.

15. I hate the Coddingtown peeps, yo.