Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Stacy Neckish Hall of Fame

According to, the following is the first definition for the word "neck":

NECK (noun) - The part of the body joining the head to the shoulders or trunk.

Rather dry. Very boring. And highly unappreciative of said body part.

In the Unofficial Stacy Without an E Scribbled on a Napkin Late at Night at Chevy's, the definition of the word "neckish" is as follows:

NECKISH (adjective) - A woman who accentuates and dignifies her nape by the use of hair buns, ponytails or a shorter haircut while simultaneously exuding a sassy attitude and alluring demeanor.

The Emperess of all Short-Haired Women is the lovely and talented Miss Winona Ryder:

Occasionally I will mention Winona on the air because she used to live in Petaluma during her post-childhood pre-adult hippie days. I'm hoping that one day someone will hear my amazingly devout comments and inform her that she can add another looney stalker to her already expanding list.

My God she looks good, doesn't she? I just want to take her home and care for her for all eternity.

She has four movies planned for release in 2006 including "A Scanner Darkly", "The Darwin Awards" and "Alpha Numeric" where she plays a geometry teacher who uses all the right angles to decipher who should truly be her one and only soul mate.

She comes up with a negative number, so she ends up with yours truly.

At least that's how my screenplay ended.

Since I'm not a rock star, a fellow actor or anywhere near famous, it's time now to check the Stacy Date-O-Meter, which measures the possibility, albeit remote, that I may date a woman on the Stacy Neckish Hall of Fame.

Stacy Date-O-Meter: 1 in 2.4 billion

Like Jim Carrey said in "Dumb and Dumber":

"So you're telling me there's a chance!"

As we continue browsing the Stacy Neckish Hall of Fame, we come upon Miss Catherine Bell:

I had no clue who she was until I was channel surfing at Dialysis one night and stumbled upon this tantalizing raven-haired temptress in a military uniform.

I don't remember what the plot was, who was guest starring or why they were in a courtroom, but by God if Dialysis didn't sail by.

She is a thyroid cancer survivor and has a scar on her neck. Because of this information I believe we have a starting point for conversation. Since "JAG" ended earlier this year, she has filmed the miniseries "The Triangle" on the Sci-Fi Channel. It tells the thought provoking story of a trignometry teacher who uses the sine and cosine of triangles (thus the title) to fight crime.

When she's not looking sultry in bikini's of course.

Stacy Date-O-Meter: 1 in 1.5 billion (the odds are a little better since she's a TV star and not a movie actress like's my Date-O-Meter so stop laughing...)

Ever since "Party of Five" I've been hooked. Her biography says she's had a nervous breakdown in the past.

It's like fate is trying to put us together because so have I.

She also desires dark-haired gentlemen because she's dated Matthew Lillard and John Cusack.

Those guys have been in films like "Scream" and "Say Anything."

I'm in the company employee film as an example of how flirting with co-workers can get you in heaps of trouble.

Stacy Date-O-Meter: 1 in 598 million

Truly the only reason to endure "Northern Exposure." She played a sassy, neckish pilot who flirts shamelessly with the fish-out-of-water-doctor-who-annoyed-the-hell-out-of-me.

She's on a new medical show they repeat on Lifetime and it's as though she hasn't aged at all.

That would be the Neckish Power at work thank you very much.

Earlier this year she was in a "Walker, Texas Ranger" TV movie and just wrapped a film called "The Night of the White Pants."

Thus, Janine Power can continue unabated.

Stacy Date-O-Meter: 1 in 243 million

If Winona Ryder is unable to fulfill her role as Queen of Neckish Women, Dana will quickly step up and take the crown from Miss Ryder.

I deem it so.

She hasn't performed in any projects since 2004, so I'm beginning to worry about her. Where have you disappeared to Miss Dana?

If you're a fan of superhero animation (and who isn't?) you would know her as the voice of Batman's flame in "Batman: Mask of the Phantasm" and as Lois Lane in "Superman: The Animated Series."

So she's not only neckish, but she scores geek points too.

She's neckishly geek. Or geekishly necky. I can't decide.

Stacy Date-O-Meter: 1 in 143 milion

I hope you enjoyed the Stacy Neckish Hall of Fame. I also hope you learned something about the Neckish Power of Short-Haired Women.

One day I will preside over my own island filled with waterslides and rollercoasters for travel, nothing to eat but anchovie pizza and buttered popcorn, and only bikini clad short-haired women will be allowed to enjoy the luxuries therein.

Don't laugh. Some days this dream is all I have.

Neckish women rule.