Saturday, December 10, 2005

The Four Signs of the Apocalypse

The Four Signs of the Apocoplyse are gaining strength and it is only a matter of time before they destroy us all:

1. Ben Affleck Has Reproduced

The blood is still drying on the seven year contract Affleck signed with Beelzebub. The Best Screenplay Oscar has been tarnished, the Jack Ryan films have grinded to a screeching halt and Liv Tyler's beauty and taste have been questioned since the animal cracker scene in "Armageddon."

Wait a minute. Armageddon? Apocalypse?

Both start with "A", both have 10 letters.

It's all starting to make sense now.

On to #2.

2. Ryan Seacrest Will Co-Host ABC's New Year's Rockin' Eve

This is one of those deals where one would assume the Devil was involved, but actually it's all Merv Griffin's fault.

Here's the story from radio people I have spoken to who worked for the same media company as Seacrest before he was a cue card sputtering goon on "American Idol."

Seacrest provided "favors" to Merv in return for the lucrative TV contract he was eventually blessed with at FOX.

But that isn't what disturbs me about Seacrest, I could care less. That's Hollywood.

It's that he has gotten by on his pool boy looks and killed one of the legends of the broadcasting industry: Rick Dees.

I used to listen to his Top 30 Countdown show while I was playing in the backyard as a kid. His show was amusing and he always brought an infectious energy to the airwaves. He's one of the reasons I decided on radio as a career.

Now Mr. Teeth Whitening is hosting Rick's old time slot at KIIS FM in Los Angeles.. Mr. Dees is now "retired."

And now Hair Gel is segueing into the hosting slot for New Year's Rockin' Eve with Dick Clark.

Another legend will be unseated and the Evil That Is Ryan Seacrest will continue unabated.

3. "Rocky VI" Is Filming Right Now

The official title is "Rocky Balboa", but what's the difference? I remember vividly back in the early 90's on a breezy Thanksgiving Eve, my plane didn't leave until 2am, so I went and PAID to see "Rocky V."

Instead of a ring fight at the end, Rocky takes on Tommy Morrison in an alley with poor lighting and bad editing.

This time, Rocky is widowed (so no neckish Talia Shire in this one...I was so in love with her in the Rocky films, but that's another post) and broke, so he decides to go back in the ring one last time and...

Well, it's not really important.

The highlight of filming so far has been Sly's freakish plastic surgery and a cameo with Mike Tyson during the climactic fight.

When the film is released straight to video in 2007, Sly will be 61 years old and a year away from Social Security.

Then he goes into production for "Rambo IV."

The preceding would all be pretty funny if it weren't for the fact that it was the Third Sign of the Apocalypse.

4. Paris Hilton Is Releasing Her First Album

When will people in one branch of fame stop believing they can excel in others?

Lindsay Lohen is a fine actress, but her music makes me want to rip out my ear canal and feed it to a giraffe.

But it's not her fault. "Yes" people are telling her that every single goddamn thing she creates, including her bowel movements, smells like roses.

Which is exactly the same problem with Miss Hilton.

She was famous for being fabulously wealthy. Then for being a dimwit on a reality show on FOX. And then for answering her cell phone in the middle of her sex video.

Now this.

But that's only part of the reason she merits the Apocolypse rating.

According to "New York Dog" and "Hollywood Dog" (real magazines) she has been voted by readers as Worst Dog Owner Ever.

How can you be a bad dog owner?? They're like 24 hour love sponges that bring nothing but mirth and happiness to their owners.

First she loses Tinkerbell, then she ditches her dog for a cuter dog, then replaces that dog with a ferret, then a monkey, and according to annoying reports, a goat.

Once her album reaches the masses in 2006, the final piece of the Apocalypse Puzzle will be in place and existence as we know it will be no more.

Ben Affleck. Ryan Seacrest. Sylvester Stallone. Paris Hilton.

The Four Talentless Celebrities of the Apocalypse.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Blood Soaked Bastard

That was me earlier today.

For the last few weeks, Dialysis has not paid me any mind. I arrived, I endured the needles, I watched scantily clad women on the E! Channel and then I scurried off to work.

That was, until today.

I believe Dialysis was just sick of the Anti-California chill we've been experiencing lately and he only stopped in to warm his blackened heart.

It was actually my fault when it came right down to it.

I wore my new short-sleeved Eddie Bauer white twill shirt. (I only go into deep descriptions because this is the first new shirt I've bought for myself in months. Yes, I'm taking a bow right now.)

I had decided at the beginning of the treatment that I wanted to try and use a larger needle.

Larger Needle = Better Dialysis Treatment = Flirting Power At Maximum

Or so I thought.

When Neckish Blonde Tech pulled the needle from the arterial side (where the blood flows into my arm) blood soaked the gauze right through. She finally managed to replace it with a fresh one, so I held it for a while and then attempted to stand up.

This is when Dialysis struck.

He weaved his way through the highly populated center and clamped his sharp, decaying teeth on both my calves simulateously.

The pain was overwhelming.

I thrust my body back into the chair and then quickly stood back up, all the while holding both my needle sites. When cramps hit your legs you need to apply pressure to them to curb the pain.

As I was tending to my legs, Dialysis struck again in my chest and neck.

That's right...neck cramps. Where's the Guiness Record people when you need them most?

There was one benefit to all of this bewildering pain: all my favorite neckish tech's and nurses came to my defense. As I sat back down again, Raven Haired Tech pushed my foot to apply pressure to the calf while Hot Librarian Tech monitored my vitals.

This must have caught Dialysis by surprise, because all the cramping started to cease.

But Dialysis didn't give up on me.

As I was standing upright once again to have my blood pressure taken, I felt really dizzy.

Then my arm felt moist.

Dialysis must have flicked the gauze on the arterial side because blood was squirting in all different directions.

There was blood on the side of my new shirt, on the chair and down upon my shoes.

I apolgized to the tech wiping my blood from the floord. He said he'd seen much, much worse.

For some reason, they didn't make me feel any less guilty.

Dizziness and fatigue combined their forces to create a weakness I could barely endure. I thought about calling in sick to work, but I never do.

Three hours down. Sixty minutes until showtime. Twelve minute drive to the station. The next forty lieing on the floor of my office until airtime.

And 48 hours until the vicious cycle repeats itself all over again.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

How Do You Measure a Year?

This is one of those wacky question-answer dealeys that get passed around the internet like bad gas, but it's popular with the kids today, so I thought I would go ahead and take a look back at the Stacy Without an E Year in Review.

Please hold your applause until all the questions have been answered.

1) Was 2005 a good year for you?

2005 was a real Chex Mix bag. Some pieces were tasty and crunchy (like the drunken night at the hot tub) and others were bland and tasteless (translation: anything having to do with Dialysis). Overall, as the year comes to a close, I find myself with more days that I can classify as "good" rather than "can you hang yourself with dental floss?"

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?

That's easy, meeting my nephew for the first time. I was only in Tucson with my sister and her husband for three days and every moment with Nakai was memorable and inspiring. My sister looked great and it was good to spend some time with my brother-in-law.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?

When I broke down at Dialysis and had to put my blanket over my head because I was so ashamed and humiliated. My psyche just couldn't take the intense burning any longer and I cracked. This was around the same time I had my nervous breakdown and almost got fired.

4) Where were you when 2005 began?

Alone and miserable because I spent Christmas alone and miserable.

5) Who were you with?

My demons. Their names are Herbie and Lester and they love canned ham.

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?

I don't know, but I'm hoping it's somewhere I can find happiness. I feel like I'm broke down on the highway of life and events are speeding by ignoring my very existence.

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?

Hopefully with my Italian brother Ted, but we'll see.

8) Did you keep your New Years Resolution of 2005?

I resolved to kick Dialysis' ass and make it my bitch. I still have 3 weeks left, so there's still time.

9) Do you have a New Years Resolution for 2006?

I resolve to hate myself less and love others more.

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?

No, but I stepped in lust a number of times.

11) If yes, with who?

I said "no" so you're obviously not listening to me.

12) If yes, do they know?

Hello? Bueller? See #10 and #11.

13) Are you still in love with them?

Yes, are you happy now?

14) You regret it?

Yes, the itching and burning is killing me.

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?

No, but I did have my heart broken by someone I thought cared for me.

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?

Yes, and for some reason they're all women. Maybe I'm compensating for not having a girlfriend.

17) Who are your favorite new friends?

I don't play favorites.

18) What was your favorite month of 2005?

July ruled. I took my first week long vacation in forever and a day. I spent the first 3 days in Tucson with my sister, her husband and my nephew Nakai. I had a fantastic time. When I returned, I invited Ted up to my place and we ate pizza, laid by the pool and played frisbee. I came back to work six shades darker and a lot less stressed.

It took two days for that feeling to evaporate. I hate this place sometimes.

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?

No, and I didn't really travel inside the US much either. Dialysis does that to a guy.

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005?

Just one, Arizona. It was 115 but surprisingly bearable.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?

One of my co-workers committed suicide earlier this year, but we weren't close. It's still pretty eerie when you're used to working with someone and suddenly fate takes them away.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?

I missed my family very much.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?

I watch a lot of movies at Dialysis which is good, because it makes the time go by quicker, but it's also poor because I don't remember a lot of what I saw. I do remember enjoying "The Aviator" a helluva lot. I love Scorsese films and period films so add that together and I was really swept away by the production value and cast portrayals.

24) What was your favorite song from 2005?

"Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day.

25) What was your favorite record from 2005?

I finished the year with the "Richard Pryor: Anthology." Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence and Dave Chapelle found their voice by mimicing Pryor in their youth. More than a comedian, he was an entertaining and insightful social commentator.

26) Did you drink a lot of alchohol in 2005?

I haven't had a drop of alcohol since I started Dialysis back in May of 2004. If I'm with friends on New Years Eve I'll probably have a drink or two. I don't like to drink too much because I tend to wander off.

27) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?

For a good six months I had a terrible Vicodin dependency just to get through a Dialysis treatment. The pain was so unbearable I had to medicate myself just to endure. It almost cost me my job and my sanity.

28) How many people did you sleep with in 2005?

Low Self Esteem + Painful Dialysis Treatments = Only Nutty People Will Sleep With You.

Does that answer your question? I hope so because that's all you're getting.

29) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?

In one of my Vicodin hazes, I threatened to burn down the rock station across the hall because they were playing their music too frickin' loud. If I could go back in time and confront Vicodin Stacy I'd punch him square in the jaw.

30) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?

People tell lies every day in radio. That's what makes it interesting. And hellish.

31) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?

Yes. The guilt will haunt me until the end of my days.

32) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?

Yes, but the individual is a souless, dim-witted bastard so I've learned to let it go.

33) How much money did you spend in 2005?

All of it.

34) What was your proudest moment of 2005?

Making amends to people I felt I had wronged. I admitted my mistakes and tried to start anew.

35) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?

While holding my needle sites after a rather painful Dialysis treatment, I was watching South Park and pretty much blitzed on Vicodin. I didn't realize I wasn't holding the gauze tightly enough. I felt something wet on my leg. It turned out to be my blood, a pool of it running down the seat of the chair and completely drowning my jeans. The tech's said they'd seen worse, but I think they just said that to make me feel better.

36) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change it, what would it be?

I'd take January thru May and completely erase it from human existence if I could.

37) What are your plans for 2006?

Stay healthy. Build confidence. Forgive myself. Adore neckish women.

Not necessarily in that order.