Monday, December 26, 2005

The Stacy Master Plan 2006

For those of you uninitiated to the reality of the cost of living in the Bay Area, let me attempt to illuminate.

My present salary would be considered satisfactory in the remainder of the country.

In Canada, I could probably own a small home.

In Mexico, I would be El Guapo and possess at least 50 acres of fertile land.

In Antartica I would rule all penguins and they would bring me fish and iced tea and I would thrive in an igloo palace with snow bunnies giggling at my side.

Sorry.

So today I gave my thirty day notice at my overpriced apartment.

I pay $725 a month for a one bedroom apartment that is barely teetering on the brink of 400 square feet.

I consider this far too much.

That is also too much money to be woken up by terrible bassish music or kept awake late at night "cuz your homies gotta toke it, yo."

I hate the Coddingtown peeps.

Anyway, I gave my notice and wandered over to Craigslist and searched under the Rooms/Shared section and responded to two different ads that sounded pleasant enough.

They surprisingly both called me back.

The rooms are small, 10'x10' and 12' x 10' and both overpriced at $500.

And require a $500 deposit.

I don't think I have to tell you that I don't have that kind of money.

I have now designated what I call the "Stacy Master Plan 2006" and it goes as follows:

1. I allow my lease to run out and I move most of my possessions to a storage unit.

2. I reorganize my 8' x 8' office at work to make room for a rolled up piece of foam and pillow.

3. I forward all my mail to a P.O. Box.

4. I sleep on the office floor and use money I would have used for rent and utilities to pay off the remainder of my bills.

Pure genius! Utterly brilliant! Fantastically annoying!

I know you have questions, so I will answer them before you even think them up using the Stacy Mind Trick:

(It's just like a Jedi Mind Trick, only creepier, and with more carbs.)

Won't you get caught living at work?

I usually come in to work at 2pm and stay late so everyone is used to seeing me here after hours. As long as I rise before the lobby opens and park my car away from the building, no one will know.

Won't it be hard to sleep on the floor of your office?

I haven't had a good night's sleep since my first kidney transplant, so this is really a non-issue.

Isn't this truly the act of a desperate man?

I'm a guy with nothing to lose.

Speaking of lose, wouldn't this make you a complete and utter loser?

You see "loser", I see a guy taking care of business.

What are you going to do about showering?

I will rise each weekday morning and take a duffel bag full of clothes with me to the health club. I will do forty-five minutes on the treadmill and then shower and get dressed. This situation will force me to workout more. It's win-win for my health, my pocketbook and those who work in my vicinity.

Can I come live with you in your office fantasy world?

Yes, and bring snacks. I've made room for your sarcasm right here in the wastebasket.

Thank you and good night.