Friday, April 14, 2006

The Loner's Last Stand

Really dizzy. Incredibly weak. Difficulty focusing.

All this and more greeted me as I was removed from Dialysis today.

I'm not really sure what's wrong. The last two weeks, when I complete Dialysis, all of the above horrifingly greet me as I stand up straight.

Jaw cramps. Heart palpatating. Stomach clenching.

I know the staff keeps telling me that my regular Dialysis appointments are saving my life, but lately I'm not so sure.

Earlier tonight I did something I've never done before at the clinic and I'm really ashamed of it.

I asked for help.

My difficulty paying bills, my lack of personal freedom and just an overwhelming sense of doom enveloped me, so I asked to talk to a social worker.

It was a crap shoot because one of the social worker's I have difficulty speaking to and the other, I don't.

It's really strange.

Maybe it's because I find one of them attractive. Possibly I don't trust her.

Whatever the reason, the newer one bolted into the clinic.

Wow. That was pretty impressive.

I told her what I was feeling, which was excruciatingly difficult.

You see, I'm a loner and I'm quite used to taking care of myself.

Although I'm not quite qualified for the job.

She gave me a list of numbers to call and people who were available especially for people undergoing treatment like mine.

It's been three days and I haven't even glanced at the list. It's still safe in the dark and gloomy folds of my binder, awaiting some use.

I thought this blog would be enough, that it could be the personal playground for my demons.

The problem is, it's simply not enough.

At least I've discovered that before it was too late.

A number of you kind readers have sent me personal e-mail's in the past, believing simply by reading my blog that I may suffer from some sort of depression.

How perceptive you are.

As I shuffled from Dialysis, I felt an incredible weight lifted from my soul.

But I knew it would return.

And it has.

Why am I so afraid to ask for help? Do I believe it makes me weak? Or worthless?

Am I afraid of the guilt that will eventually arise from just asking?

Or does it simply speak volumes against my willingness to allow others into my life?

So many question marks with their hooks into various parts of my mind and soul and they won't let go.

It's interesting to note that when you strain and struggle to answer your own inner questions, that the punctuation mark itself occasionaly straightens itself out to form a much kinder exclamation point.

I have the social worker's handwritten notes in my hand, I'm looking over the list.

I might as well call. All I've got to lose is myself.

And my precious loner status.

4 comments:

  1. Asking for help shouldn't be accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame, weakness, or imposed burden upon others. It's so easy to say that. I love that when I cave in and ask someone for help I feel all of those things, yet when someone resists the urge to detach emotionally and he or she admits he or she needs me to help them, I feel incredibly honoured by their exhibition of trust and openess.
    People want to help you. Not our of pity. Not because you are perceived as weak. But for all the reasons you already know.
    I'm just being a redundant fool just to ensure that you don't forget how much love there is in this world for you Mr. Stacy Without An E.
    All you've got to lose is your precious loner status, something you don't even need retrospect to determine you're not actually that fond of.
    I wish I could hug you right now. not because I think you "need" a hug, but because I selfishly just want to hug you. I horde my hugs for the most part and only dispense them on those most worthy of individuals. Hug horder. Horger. Wait...that sounds bad...like whore-ger...like a tiger...like... um...where was I going?

    Doctor Braleigh prescribes a night out on the town with a crushed Mollie Sue. She needs you right now, Stacy. She needs you to be there for her.

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  2. RIGHT ON! Yay Stacy! It's funny how hard it is to ask, and how much oother people want to help when we do. Let me know how it goes. I'm totally pulling for you, dude.

    Oh yeah, and asking for help doesn't mean you're weak, it means you're smart. :-)

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  3. Use the help offered and chack out web sites where you can email people and get help, too. Try
    Ihatedialysis.com
    A message board for real people on dialysis.
    I have been on dialysis for seven and a hlf years. Get help. Be strong.

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  4. Staccia, tu hai un amico che a lui piace auitarti.

    Stacy, you have a friend who likes to help you.

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