Saturday, May 20, 2006

Stacy Dialysis Course 101

Lo, these last twenty-five months, I have learned from experience the ways of the Dialysis Experience.

Let me share them with you now...

1) If you hold your access arm straight, I mean stereotypical all-American red state straight, the stabbing pain usually won't stop by and pay you an in-laws-are-in-town-and-I-have-no-Valium type o' visit.

2) Eating during the procedure eases the fatigue post-Dialysis treatment. It doesn't even matter what it is, which is good because my budget is quite single. Single bell pepper, single onion, single half gallon of milk. Single servings for a termainally single life.

3) If I'm dating someone for the first time, I like to set up the date within two to three hours post-Dialysis. I appear fierce and lean and my eyes seem brighter because there's less paper or plastic bags under my eyes.

4) I was rather traumatized by the massive amounts of hair on the top of my gigantic head, but I've reached the acceptance stage. Now I collect it all in hopes of using stem stell research, my blender and lots of Cheez-Itz to build a better, bolder, brighter me to usher in the middle of the century.

Yes, with properly functioning kidneys.

5) I don't really care if people stare at my bandages on my access arm anymore. They're my white badge of courage. Plus, I LOVE coming up with excuses for why they're there. "Shark bite" is my personal favorite. Their eyes get wide with anticpation as to what my next comment will be. I've only been called on it once, "Ugh...tiny shark."

6) I speak up and ask for EXACTLY how I want my needles administered. And whaddya know? They listen. I need a full does of lidocaine in each access port now and I only use 16 gauge needles. Some days I'm not totally coherent, but regardless of how I feel I have to check them every time, because they'll try to sneak in 15's when I'm not looking. I haven't decided if it's because they enjoy torchering me or there was a sale on that size.

7) I now define Dialysis, it doesn't define me.

Thank you and good night.

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