Friday, November 10, 2006

State o' Flux

Since my early college years (which are fading faster than my hairline) I have created a statement that was meant to quickly and succinctly declare when moments in my universe are completely out of whack.

That would be the proverbial: "State o' Flux."

More specifically, this is when moments in my life are completely and utterly out of balance and I have no idea how to achieve equiliibrium and, in turn, peace.

Nothing makes sense right now.

Maybe I should edit the phrase to "State o' Rut" because that's what my life has landed in.

State o' Flux @ Work

About two weeks ago my IQ challenged boss rushed into the studio and declared that management was NOT renewing his contract.

Because of my current state, this came as no shock since I can usually sense these things. My Stacy Sense had been tingling, alerting me to the fact that chance was afoot.

This is where Dialysis comes in handy. I've learned to be extremely patient after wallowing away my afternoons for three hours in the Chair.

Each day I ritualistically check the radio job boards to see if the position is posted.

Hmm. No? That's good.

I promised not to say a word. You know what happens when someone's departure is imminent.

Gossip and conjecture combine forces to create this river of nervousness that splashes everyone in earshot.

He's also been paying me $20 an hour to mix a new aircheck for his impending future employment. Not a bad gig since it's completely and utterly easy.

I've made a personal decision. If management offers me his job, I'll most likely take it depending on the salary increase.

If I'm passed over like bad gas, I will have to seek out a new opporunity. This actually excites me and gets me thinking of where I could take my talents next.

But at the same time, there's comfort in familiarity. I know the staff and work with them well. I have creative freedom on the air. My GM isn't breathing down my neck with show notes every day.

And Northern California is like a warm hug for a native. Born and raised. Missed it when I've been away.

There's nothing like spring or fall in Northern California. I highly recommend it for a vacation destination. Just make sure the shocks on the rental car are new because are roads are not.

State o' Flux @ Dialysis

I signed up for a research program at Dialysis.

I know, I know. What was I thinking, right?

It's been somewhat simple really. And the results could help Dialysis patient for generations to come.

A select number of patients are either put into the Control or Variable group by random computer selection.

At least that's what I was told.

Before Thanksgiving, I will either be three days a week at night for three hours. I've been fighting for this shift since we moved to the new clinic. Or, I'll be six days a week on two hour shifts.

The patients that are already in the study haven't had any complaints about six days a week. In fact, they've had more energy and felt better than ever before.

I'm only worried about my arm. Can it handle six days a week of needles? Will I give in to the urge to use Vicodin again? Will there be more sexy nurses six days a week?

I need someone to flirt with while I'm Dialyzing don't ya know.

I'm rooting for three days but will accept six days if it happens.

Much like my job, I dislike the waiting. It's as though there's this huge bulldozer about to scoop me up and drop me directly into a big mud puddle of impending Doom.

State o' Flux @ Night

I can't sleep. Lately I can't sleep for a series of three to four days and then my body suddenly gives in and tries to catch up.

That's when the nightmares take hold.

Last night I was in this little vehicle made out of a beach chair. It was similar to what James Bond used in one of the early Sean Connery films. Behind me were a fleet of similar vehicles using nothing but glass shards as weapons.

I would veer and turn and try as I might I couldn't escape them. Closer and closer they came. I was defenseless. As they honed in, I could feel the shards of glass, small at first, then larger in mass, eat into my flesh.

I awoke in a pool of sweat breathing heavily.

I went to www.DreamMoods.com and here's what they stated about glass in dreams:

To see glass in your dream, symbolizes passivity or protection. You may be putting up an invisible barrier around you in order to protect yourself in a situation or relationship.

To see broken glass in your dream, signifies a change in your life. You will find that a situation will come to an abrupt and untimely end.

The Stacy Barrier is always up to protect me from the evils of Dialysis. But it is spot on as to change afoot. Maybe I'm worried that I could be next in the "...we'd prefer not to emply you any futher" arena.

State o' Flux @ Life

I really feel I'm ready to date again, but something is holding me back. I believe deep down in the bowels of my soul that no one will wish to accept me because dating me means accepting the fact that I have a machine to keep me alive on a weekly basis.

Friends have often asked if they can visit with me at Dialysis and I always refuse. It's less a sense of pride and more an issue of vulnerability. Allowing someone to view me struggling to live may make me seem less human in their eyes.

Trust me. I've seen it before. It's not pleasant and steals my self esteem.

Sigh.

The State o' Flux continues unabated...

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