Friday, October 20, 2006

The Stacy Dialysis Reality Check

I've been approached by one of the nursing students to do a case study on what it truly feels like to be a Dialysis Patient.

She caught me on a bad day.

Here is how I responded on the questionairre. Maybe I should have been more serious.

To acheive a realistic case study of what it truly means to be a Dialysis Patient, here's what I suggest you do:

1. Get yourself an easy chair that doesn't quite recline the way you like and pokes you in the back continuously.

2. Sit in said chair with one of your arms tied down with two painful needles inserted.

3. Stay put for three to four hours, depending on what treatment you're trying to replicate.

4. Four feet away place an elderly gentleman with terrible gas and a bad attitude who likes to shout phrases like, "Fuck your cabbage," or "Douche bags are tasty," continuously through the treatment.

5. Give elderly man a 13" diagonal TV and turn it up to full volume while tuned to some tacky novella.

6. Have someone playing a doctor come by, ask you how you're doing and then ignore everything you say.

7. Make sure at the 2 hour mark to have someone take a vice clamp, apply it to your right calf and tighten it as far as possible for as long as possible.

8. Repeat three times a week until a new kidney becomes available or you pass on.

The preceding may seem faceitous, but there's nuggets of truth scattered throughout.

I haven't seen her since.

Sometimes the truth hurts, especially when you're on Dialysis.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Dialysisification of the Soul

I'm trying to create the proper phrase to fully demonstrate how awful I feel lately.

I've been vomiting a lot. How about Upchuckified?

Too cliched. Craptastically craptacular.

It applies, but I've used that before. How sad.

Case of the Oogies? Half past Death? Frumptastic?

Slightly used episode of According to Jim??

That'll do. I feel about the same after watching an episode.

I was doing so well too. I requested a bump in my ratings bonus and it was approved. I've been working weekends running the studio or hosting local events and I've earned nearly $1000 extra in just the past 6 weeks.

The truck loan will be obliterated in early '07. The student loan later that same year.

I started vomiting uncontrollably on Sunday. Mondy night after work I couldn't walk three steps from the bathroom without letting go.

Fortunately it was after hours, so after every incident I would just roll onto the floor outside the women's bathroom (it smells nicer) and try to catch my breath.

I've been able to hold down food now for about four hours. It's been heaven. Don't take digestion for granted; it's a wonderful chemical reaction that I have never fully appreciated.

After my treatment today Raven Haired Tech wanted to know what was wrong. Apparently my face was telling tales I couldn't control.

"I'm cramping in my chest."

I fell back to the chair and used all my strength to keep my fingers on the gauze holding in my limited supply of blood. I asked her to hold my sites while I clenched my ribcage. Moments later another one struck my lower back.

Extremely Obese Fat Woman (or is she Extremely Fat Obese Woman?) chuckled to herself. I couldn't tell if she was laughing at me or Oprah. I didn't really care.

When I arrived back at work, I slowly closed my office door, grabbed my Pittsburgh Steeler pillow and collapsed on the floor.

Fifteen minutes into my nap, I heard keys fumbling in the lock. My boss entered and I sprung to my feet. I must have startled him becuase he almost dropped my pumpkin.

And then it hit me how I could mock Dialysis and feel better all at the same time.

I had requested a white pumpkin. Nobody could figure out why.

We have this contest among the on-air talent where we have to create our own carved pumpking and present them to the listeners to vote on.

Dialysis Pumpkin, plain and simple. Pain-filled carved face. Tubing I "borrowed" from Dialysis. Fake blood and one of my old Dialysis filters.

Half past Death and still mocking Dialysis.

That's me this Halloween.