Monday, February 26, 2007

An Open Letter to My Dialysis Neighbor

Hello Rude Dialysis Neighbor,

Yeah, it's me again, Skinny Radio Boy. I give you a less than enthusiastic look as I pass you by because I know for the next three hours I'll have to listen to whatever mindless crap you'll be watching as you blast your television volume with no regard for the patients in your vicinity.

You are not elderly. You are not hearing impaired. You are simply a jerk.

I have spoken to you repeatedly on numerous occasions, rather judiciously I might add, that I cannot enjoy my movie when you do this. My sister was kind enough to bestow on her big brother a really cool and theraputic portable DVD player so he can pause his entertainment when nurses won't stop prodding and poking him.

I use what's called "headphones" because I am considerate of those around me. You refuse.

"13 Days" and "Stranger Than Fiction"?? Ruined. The 2nd Season of "Entourage"?? Tarnished.

I have even swallowed some dignity and asked a nearby tech to speak to you.

Oh sure, you obliged. But once they relocate across the clinic, you crank it back up again as loudly as is humanly possible.

My absolute favorite day was when you did this, turned in my direction, and flipped me off. You then mouthed the words, "Fuck off."

I burst out laughing it was so blatantly absurd. And so absolutely you.

Now I have reached a point of no return. I have armed myself with a technological device known as a "Universal Remote."

This device will return the decibal balance to the clinic by turning your TV off. Or muting it. Or simply turning on the blue DVD screen. It's totally up to my personal whim.

I will be stealth in my actions. My acting ability will be at full stength. I imagine you'll call over a tech to ask what's wrong, but to no avail.

I control your universe Mr. Rude Dialysis Neighbor. F*** me?

No sir, quite frankly, fuck you.

Thank you and good night.