Friday, November 02, 2007

Free Floating Hostility: 9 Things I Hate About People

Since it's been a while since I posted, I've been boiling up with unrequited rage over the human race. Thus, I present for your enjoyment:

"9 Things I Hate About People"

1. People who grunt at the gym. Women don't find you attractive, I've asked. Mommy not give you enough attention?

2. People who block aisles. They're usually the fattest people possible with a blank look on their face while grabbing high priced merchandise with their chubby little fingers.

3. People who won't flush. I'm not in the mood to take in the aroma of your biggest accomplishment of the day. It takes two seconds, use the handle Neanderthal.

4. People who don't mind their kids. I'm on Dialysis. When your kid comes up and punches me in the arm I get REALLY angry. "But he's just a kid." No, he's a brat who's going to carjack me when he's sixteen if you don't get him under control. Idiots.

5. People who spit up loogies. These are usually guys with wife beater shirts and lots of tattoos. And they always spit near me. Dude, I have extra class. If I give you some will you act like a human being for once?

6. People who blast their music in the car. Loud music is fine, I understand that. Music that shatters my side mirrors isn't. And for whatever reason, it's always rap music. Bad rap music. Another schmuck Mommy didn't hug enough. Retard.

7. People who are lazy and expect the government to pay for their existence. A few months of welfare to feed your kids and get you back on your feet, fine. Sitting on your ass all day playing Mario Kart all day and tricking out your Lexus, not cool.

8. People who equate their value with how much money they make. Your car is nicer than mine and your shirt cost $200. Keep pointing that nose up in the air so I can jam a big can of "I don't give a damn up there." Money doesn't buy happiness, nor that ego you're exposing.

9. People who whine about having the sniffles. This is mostly people at work. Maybe I shouldn't get so upset, but I would LOVE to have a few sniffles and a runny nose instead of dealing with six painful needles and ten hours of my life lost per week. Be thankful woosies.

Thanks for listening. I feel better about myself and the world around me.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

The Return of Stacy

I'm highly embarrassed by how long it's been since I blogged.

I don't even remember what my font settings were.

I could go into a long diatribe of where I've been and what I've been doing, but it would be long and boring.

Much like "Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer" without the really cool surround sound.

But for the three and a quarter individuals who actually waste valuable work time reading the preceding, I present a quick rehash of the last eight months:

--- I started working out again and have put ten weakly pounds on my body. Now once you get past my head I don't look like a twelve year old boy.

--- They fired my boss...again. No, not the same boss. For those of you keeping track, for the seven years I've been at this company I've been through three management changes and four Program Directors. I'm like water mold, it takes a crew of twelve just to get rid of me. In radio, my tenure is translated as "freakishly odd." Coincidentally, that's how former girlfriends describe me.

--- Dialysis has become such a mundane part of my life that it bothers me very little anymore. It's amazing the trauma your body can put up with when it's routine.

--- I've managed to nearly save up enough money for a new computer. Although Christmas is coming and every year around this time something traumatically financial happens that swallows my reserves whole. It usually involves me and an ambulance. No, I'd rather not go into detail.

--- I paid off the Stacy TruckMobile. After five years it's all mine. We're a lot alike. We're nowhere near new. We've been scuffed and scratched beyond repair. But the engine is still running and if you fill our tank with tasty fuel we'll survive for another day.

--- I counted today and I'm only on seven medications. With the co-pay that comes to about $140-$160 a month, money I could have spent over the past three years to pay off my student loans. I take my bitterness over this and shove it under the cabinet in my office. One of these days I'm hoping it will get so large and testy that it will eat one of the office sales people. Hopefully it will be the short, plump one who spoke to me once and when she did she was really nasty. She and her sagging fake breasts can kiss my pimply pale ass.

--- I've watched more movies this year because of Dialysis than I care to mention. "Freedom Writers" and "Reign Over Me" were recent favorites if anyone is keeping score.

--- I couldn't tell you the last time I left town. I think it was to meet my best friend's new baby. That Saturday night I felt this fluid build up in my esophagus and I almost couldn't breathe. I almost made it to the bathroom before I threw up. That makes me a vomiter that last two times I've visited. At least I'm consistent.

--- I've mostly found an inner peace that I didn't have three years ago when I started this frightening adventure. But something feels unfinished and I couldn't tell you what it is. It's like I'm searching for an answer, but I haven't even discovered the question yet.

When I figure out that last one, you'll be the first to know.

Thank you and good night.