Wednesday, January 30, 2008

5 Reasons Why You Won't Date Me

1. I'm 5'7" in height.

Women today seem to be obsessed with men that tower over them. This leads to them suffering from debilitating neck strains. Wouldn't it be nice to keep your neck in a normal position thus allowing make out sessions and googley eyes to be relatively painless?

2. I'm only 135 pounds.

Dating a dude who towers over two hundred pounds and suffers from beefitis is usually someone who will be glancing in the mirror more often then they're adoring you. We of the slender persuasion possess amazing hugging and cuddling ability that far outreaches our heavier brethren. And we won't crush your spine in the process.

3. I make an average wage.

As a young man I observed my father slaving away at a job he tolerated, yet never enjoyed. I made a vow then and there that I would choose a passionate career over a lucrative one. I rise every morning to a day filled with frivolity and laughter. The salary is inconsequential. I will never have the desire to try and impress you with fancy clothes or a luxury car as some men do. I make enough for the necessities in life and that's enough for me.

4. I'm a geeky dork.

Or a dorky geek depending on your point of view. I Tivo "Star Trek" regularly. Fully entertained by "Heroes." Search endlessly online for spoilers on the new Indiana Jones film. All of these divergent forms of entertainment bring me untold happiness. Geeks have always known we're cool. American culture is finally starting to catch on.

5. I'm on Dialysis.

I could be having the best first date of my entire existence and then the topic of my illness has to rear it's ugly head. Zippy Road Runner clouds form once women discover this undeniable fact about my existence. I've been fighting renal disease my entire life so it's really no big deal. It's a part of me, but doesn't define who I am. I'm rather thankful for the experience for I can find happiness in the smallest moments life has to offer. Lying on my back in the park trying to determine why that cloud resembles a bunny smoking a cigar is one of my favorite activities. I'm a survivor and stronger than you'll ever know.

The preceding is merely what I have experienced in my thirty seven years on this planet and is in no way a criticism of women, nearly a reflection of what I have experienced personally.

If you respond, I will assume you're one of the following:
--- Also lean and wish to compare rib cage exposure.
--- Are also suffering a malady and would like to share medications.
--- Find Hobbit looking men delicious.
--- Adore a good Adama/Kirk debate.
--- Are criminally insane but allowed to use the internet.


  1. You won't find someone with that attitude! Focus on your positive traits and most importantly, think positively!

  2. I disagree...he's snarky....and that's a least refreshing...keep it up Stacy and someone will be worthy of you...

  3. I appreciate the divergent comments (actually I adore any comments at all) but what's with all the posts from Anonymous?

    Anonymous #1:

    You make a valid point, but the post was somewhat tongue in cheek.

    Anonymous #2:

    Wasn't Snarky Stacy a Garbage Pail Kid?

  4. hold on...(googling snarky stacy) hmmm....nope but there was a "Spacey Stacy" if that makes you feel any better.

    Oh and I, Anonymous # 2, comment ahem anonymously because I am a paranoid person...