Monday, January 28, 2008

The Inequity of the Stacy Universe

There are individuals wandering this planet who believe that the Universe, with all its many squiggly creatures and spectrum of bountiful Creation, eventually balances out.

If only that were insanely true.

I have taken the time necessary to calculate how many needle sticks I have endured since May 16, 2004. That fateful day changed my life in traumatic and psychological ways I will never recover from.

To clarify, each time I allow Dialysis to infiltrate my body, that's four needle sticks: two for the lidocaine injections, two for the sixteen gauge needles.

I don't know about you, but needles the size of ball point pens possess pain comparable to taking your scrotum and slamming it into a car door for a good ten minutes.

Three years, seven months and two weeks of three days a week Dialysis. That equals 432 needle sticks.

Add another six weeks of six days a week Dialysis. That's an additional 144 needles ticks.

522 + 144 = 666

You may believe that I fudged the math, but the numbers are staring back at me scribbled on a serene little yellow post-it in bold black Sharpie lettering.

For a moment I was startled. Now that I've had time to muse upon the results, it makes perfect sense.

The Devil and Dialysis are in cahoots.

If you were to visit my Dialysis clinic (and no one ever does...ever) you would find Death in the lobby eating the cookies and reading "People." Every once and a while he drags his sickle along the clinic floor, overwhelmed by the wealth of souls that are simply waiting for his consumption.

The Devil enjoys the taunting. He'll infiltrate your lines and cackle for a good half hour. Cramps will occur and he'll devour your screams.

Sometimes on Thursdays the Devil and Death will grab a heaping pile of misery, slap it on sourdough toast and allow the crumbs of despair to violate the last vestiges of hope that remain.

This is where I wonder endlessly where the balance to the Universe is hiding.

If the Universe, in all it's vast wisdom and splendor, had any fairness to it, the hours upon hours of pain I've endured would be countered with nothing but pleasure.

Once again, I've done the calculations.

The first 432 needle sticks were for three hour treatments, that equals 1296 hours.

The remaining 144 needle sticks for two hour treatments equals 288.

1296 + 288 = 1584 hours of non-stop, unadulterated Pleasure.

So Yoo-Nuh-Vurse here's what I want:

--- An endless supply of the most delicious, mouth-watering, scrumptious BLT's you've ever created. And keep them coming.

--- Lots and lots of short haired women in tiny, tiny bikinis.

I'll take care of the rest.

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