Tuesday, January 22, 2008

My IQ is Wading in the Shallow End of the Gene Pool

If you read my blog for any amount of time (and God help you if you do) you know that I rail against stupid people because I possess such a hatred for them. And because they're everywhere.

They block aisles. They're mouth breathers. They vote for people based on their acting resume.

But I have now become one of them.

I have spent the better part of my vacation vomiting every color of the rainbow into any receptacle that was willing.

You're right. Extremely gross. My apologies.

I don't have a bug or food poisoning. I'm just a run of the mill Dialysis patient. Comes with frightening territory.

I thought I would fight my condition and purchase some acidophilus to help my digestive system keep food down.

This is when the trouble began.

The bottle wasn't just child proof, it was human proof. I just couldn't get it open.

Along the bottom of the cap was a little ring of plastic preventing tampering. I couldn't get my thumbnail under it to get some leverage so I could remove the cap.

So I grabbed a knife.

I know. You know what's coming next.

I nearly had it removed when one final tug underneath slipped. Into my left hand. Underneath the index and middle finger. Creating a lovely one inch gash in my hand.

You're right. Ouchee.

But this is where my experience with Dialysis kept me from freaking out.

It hurt. But every day of my life I experience physical pain. I'm not exaggerating. Every frickin' day.

And stopping the bleeding wasn't a major event either. I have gauze and tape and a million other products due to my Dialysis history.

For a moment I thought about going to the ER but I loathe it so. People lose IQ points suddenly and dramatically when I'm in there. I'll blog about that soon. You'll love it.

And the wait is ridiculously long. Plus it frustrates me that people come in when they have a minor malady. I've heard numerous people over the years lectured to by ER staff when all they had was a sniffle or a headache. Wimps.

I had the nurse take a look at it after Dialysis and she said as long as it didn't start swelling, I should be okay to take care of it myself.

When events like this happen in your life it's good to recap the events and discover what you learned (this is what sets me apart from the others wading nearby)

1. Knives be sharp, especially when they're new.
2. Opening ANY item with a knife is moronic. Even cavemen knew better.
3. Continual vomiting will make you do dopey things.
4. Blood likes to escape as often as possible.
5. Me no forget knives be sharp.

Thank you and good night.

P.S...It took eight times as long as usual to type the preceding.
P.S.S...It was fourteen times as painful.
P.S.S.S...It was one-eighth as entertaining as I'd hoped.
P.S. the Fourth...I will sacrifice myself for the sake of this blog at any time.

1 comment:

  1. Oh man, that sounds awful! You go through so much, you really didn't need that too!