Sunday, January 13, 2008

Radio Listening 101

I realize that only 5% of actual radio listeners actually call a radio station, but I am here free of charge to help those of you who have no idea what the hell you're doing.

And I speak to you on a daily basis. In most cases, this drives me crazy.

I've been in the radio industry as an on-air personality now for ten years. In that time, I've come to realize that every call I answer is a quick psychological profile. I speak to all races and all demographics.

And because of these calls, I now weep for the future.

Here, listen in on a phone call from earlier this afternoon:

"Hi, KRAP Radio."

"Um, ugh, well...ugh."

Long pause. Heavy breathing.

"Yes, can I help you?"

"Yeah, uh, is this KRAP radio?"

"That's what I said a moment ago."

The kid can't be older than twelve and seems to have an incredibly difficult time communicating with what sounds like his native language.

"Can I hear, um, ugh, well, ugh, a song?"

Finally, we've reached the point of his call. And I've wasted forty seconds of my life.

"Yeah, um, well...." Another long pause. I'm poking myself in the eye with a Sharpie.

"That song with, ugh, um, the guy with the..." I'm miming a gun to my head.

As my surprise that this numb skull even had the skill to dial a seven digit number evaporates, I simply hang up.

No human should have to put up with this level of ignorance. This is where the IMing and text messaging are ruining our youth. Since they use two or three letter phrases as shorthand for actual grammatical language, they have no idea how to put together a coherent sentence.

And this is why I weep.

What follows now are rules for the remainder of you that have a brain, but somehow lose IQ points the instant I answer the phone.

1. Pay Attention

--- I can't tell you how many times I've gone to the phones to get the correct caller for front row concert tickets to a sold out show and here's what I hear:

"Uhhh...what?" Click. You lost buddy. If this individual said anything, ANYTHING else that sounded intelligent, they would have had a great time at a sold out show and saved a couple hundred dollars.

2. Sound Conscious

--- Again, if I go to you for a great prize and you sound like you just took an Ambien, I'm going to the next caller. Simple as that. If you sound dead now, you're going to be completely unbearable on the air and bring the station to a screeching halt.

3. Use Common Sense

--- If you request a song I JUST played, I won't be playing it for at least another four hours. Do not beg me simply because it's your favorite song and you have to hear it or you'll just die.

Yes, this is mostly teenage girls.

And if you do request a song and it gets played LISTEN TO THE SONG. Requesting a song and then failing to listen drives me frickin' insane. It also helps you accumulate what I affectionately refer to as Dopey Karma.

And when you request a song THAT I'M PLAYING RIGHT NOW you're obviously not listening to the radio and don't deserve a request. I feel bad for you but I get over it pretty quickly.

4. Don't Say the Name of the Competition

--- This is usually these wise ass guys who think they're Dane Cook.

"And what station just made you a winner?"

"KRUD, 97.4!"

Then you have one of these little stutter laughs like Beavis. In the past I would kindly ask them to answer again, but with the correct call letters so I can edit out their brilliant comedy.

Now, it's a simple click and I go to the next caller for $1000 in cash. Usually these geniuses will call back and want to know why they didn't win. I tell them if you read the rules on the website, we're not responsible for acts of God related to the phone line.

It's my show. Right here, right now I'm God. And your little joke just cost you. Moron.

Don't get me wrong. A majority of the people I speak to daily are intelligent, coherent and a pleasure to talk to.

It's the few, the inane, the ridiculous who ruin it for everyone else.

And especially for me.

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