Monday, January 14, 2008

Stacy's Overzealous Gym Rules

If I were to run a health club the following would be posted at the entrance and enforced without question:

"Stacy's Overzealous Gym Rules"

1. For you beefy, preening idiots who never rack your weights and leave over 200 pounds on the machine so those of us who have normal size penises can use the equipment:

--- If caught, you will be forced to rack weights and apologize to the next user.
--- Said user will then be allowed to bean you in the genitals with a forty pound weight.
--- You will then be forced to stand outside the club for one hour while said forty pound weight is dangled from your manhood.
--- Whatever is left is allowed to return to the club in two weeks.

2. For you lazy cretins who leave a puddle of sweat on the equipment without wiping it off:

--- If caught, you will be forced to rewipe the machine thoroughly, grease the gears and scrub the controls.
--- You must then take what you wipe up and apply it directly to your skin and cover every inch.
--- You are then required to stand at the exit to the club and allow used towels, jock straps and soiled toilet paper to be applied to your body.
--- If you survive, you will be allowed to return to the club in ten days.

3. For you desperate neanderthals who grunt, yell and shriek every time you lift a weight in hopes that one of the beautiful women in attendance will hop on top of you and grind away:

--- You will be placed in the back of the leg press and one member after another will be allowed to press the machine into place smashing your skull.
--- You will NOT be allowed to grunt, yell or shriek the entire time. If you do, said member will press again until you're quiet.
--- This will go on until you admit you're a preening idiot and disgust everyone in attendance.
--- If you survive, you will be allowed to return to the club in fourteen days.

You may be asking yourself, "Stacy, why do you continue to go the health club when the aforementioned individuals above annoy and disgust you?"

I want to look good naked.

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