Saturday, February 02, 2008

The Amazing Repulsion Powers of Stacy Without An E

I wish my desire for the gentler species could be controlled on a whim.

They transfix me with powers that are undeniable.

Deep brown eyes with short raven hair dancing just below the earlobe. Cascading blonde hair with full pouting lips.

Perfectly shaped posteriors attached to fully formed thighs. Milky skin that begs to be kissed from the interior of the nape to the tips of curling toes.

I should probably quit before this becomes soft core porn.

The point is, women have held a power over me that I don't full comprehend and have no control over.

And because of my condition and my strange little body, I've had to fight for that attention at the detriment of my own sanity.

I've discovered in the last thirty seven years that possessing a Hobbit like stature is nowhere in the vicinity of the zip code of the major thoroughfare of sexy.

In contrast, my sense of humor has developed to the point where I could make anyone laugh at a funeral on a rainy day.

I'm paraphrasing Pryor there, but you get my point.

As forty approaches and a mid-life crisis bears down, I'm doing everything possible not to become bitter.

It's a process that's easier than it sounds.

When friends allow me to share my fears of becoming the Crazy Middle Aged Dog Guy they all say the same thing.

"You seem like the marrying type."

I must admit I have quite a legacy to live up to. As of August 2008, my parents will have been married forty years. That is an achievement rarely seen today and will become even rarer as time goes on.

Fortunately my parents are not the type to pressure me. They know my plate is filled with the scrumptious side dish known as Dialysis.

I view couples from time to time at the Dialysis Clinic. The husband or the wife is suffering the indignity of another endless treatment and here comes their significant other to walk with them, arm in arm back to the safety confines of home.

I have no such individual by my side. And it scares me.

Since I was a little tyke I've wanted, no, desired what my parents have to this day. And I don't think that's asking too much out of Life.

A beautiful, funny wife. Two adorable kids with fully functioning kidneys. Man's best friend at my side. All under the confines of a little home that needs a lawn mowed every other weekend.

I know, it's all very old school Rockefeller.

I don't care. I've always been a simple guy with very simple wants.

So God, if you're listening, I don't pray for very much. Health and happiness for my friends and family. The strength and wisdom to learn from my illness.

But I have one last request.

Just send a cute little woman with a great sense of humor my way.

I think I can take care of the rest.

Thanks God. You rule. And thanks for all the Women. Despite their lack of interest in me, they're still your best creation.

And your most perplexing.

No comments:

Post a Comment