Tuesday, June 03, 2008

First Date Jitters, First Date Titters

One cardinal rule of internet dating is: Don't Waste Time Chatting While You Could Be Out There Discovering How Awful She Truly Is.

Seriously, it's a good idea not to chat too long online because the chemistry you think you have can simply be a digital facade.

We chatted for about three days online about miscellaneous details about our everyday lives. She had lovely raven hair and striking blue eyes.

And if you know anything about me, raven haired women drive me clinically insane to the point of not thinking through my decisions. Later I find myself bathing in a pool of icky regret that gloms on to my psyche and haunts me for approximately forever.

I decided to take her to a casual little Italian place behind the Napa Town Center that Yelp.com helped me find.

Dating Rule #1: Always check online reviews before a first date dinner. You'll thank me ferociously later.

I arrived right on time and performed my best DeNiro denial. I took the shock of her appearance and stuffed it into the back pocket of my mind. She was at least sixty pounds heavier than her photos.

Your immediate reaction is probably, "That's not nice Stacy. You shouldn't base your opinion of a person on their appearance. Tsk tsk.

Oh, but I should. Basically, by not showing your true colors in your profile, you've lied to me before we even meet. Honesty is huge with me, along with trust and loyalty.

Dating Rule #2: Everyone lies online.

It gets better though. From the moment we ordered she began to talk non-stop about herself:

"OhmygawdIwaslikeohwowsurethatsgreatbutIdeservelikewhoabettersalaryforshesbitchyleaves
earlyyaddayaddayaddazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Not one moment to speak. Not one iota of time to ask about yours truly.

Dating Rule #3: Always have an out.

Since I had worn my optimist shoes, I had already planned to take her to play pool. I must admit this almost salvaged the entire evening because we did have fun. Old school dating rules tell you to let her win, but for whatever reason I couldn't allow that to occur.

To her credit she did send me a nice e-mail the next day thanking me for dinner and pool. It's just there was too much to consider a second date even remotely possible.

Before the night even began, my only hope for tonight was to get out of the house and gain some of my confidence back after being so beaten down by my condition.

I was hoping to have a date every Saturday night for most weekends this summer, but that is more difficult then it sounds. I must admit to a good volume of clicks on my profile at Match.com but very few e-mails.

This tells me my picture isn't what's turning them away. But I have a theory.

When I search through the profiles I find that most women want men anywhere from six feet to seven foot two.

It's too bad. Short, slender nerdy dorky guys can be a helluva lot of fun.

If you'd just give me a chance.

Dating Rule #4: Never give up, never surrender.

2 comments:

  1. You're funny!! But one question, what did you lie about on your profile?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Not a damn thing.

    And that's the problem.

    ReplyDelete