Sunday, June 01, 2008

The Stacy Dating Attempt 2008

Modern dating seems to be a fruitless endeavor I only continue to endure simply so I won't be home sulking on Saturday nights.

Or I forge ahead because the entertainment value is equal to that of a really mediocre Rob Schneider movie.

Quite possibly, I'm just tired of being alone.

As we glance back through the pages of the reference volume known as "Stacy's Past Dates" we find that the last six months there have been no new chapters to guffaw to.

This is because I simply gave up.

Now you must understand I have a problem.

I love women. No wait, I LOVE WOMEN! They're fascinatingly frustrating creatures that I simply wish to be in the presence of every moment of every day.

And this is where the problem lies.

My desire for women is inversely proportional to their indifference.

I now have a profile on both Yahoo Personals and Match.com.

Pure genius, right? Not really. It just doubles my rejection level for twice the price.

Let me include my profile text and see if this provides any sort of spark for my female readers to respond:

The Super Happy Fun Stacy LNF (Little Known Facts):

--- Most days I talk into a microphone for 4 or 5 hours making things up that sometimes get me into trouble.

--- I tend to inadvertently kill plants. I either over water or over sun. Balance is obviously something I'm still working on.

--- I've survived two kidney transplants and a lot of Dialysis. All this means is I've developed a huge appreciation for the smaller moments in life that most people ignore.

--- BLT's are the most perfect meal ever. A close second is the burrito with extra sour cream.

--- I believe George Carlin, Jim Henson and Phil Hendrie are all creative geniuses. You don't have to listen to any of them if you don't want to.

--- I tend to laugh at my own jokes. At least someone's being entertained.

--- I haven't reached my full potential. Anyone who says they have is lying or just lazy.

--- I laugh quite a lot when I'm in the company of just the right people.

--- My most awful horror movie would be filled with giant spiders attacking me at the top of a skyscraper while I'm dangling in a tiny, tiny elevator.

--- I workout five days a week, but not for the reasons you might think. A healthy lifestyle is highly underrated.

--- I hold open doors, let people in front of me in traffic and use my blinker. These are looked upon as rather strange and bewildering acts in the Bay Area.

--- Dogs and babies love me. I can't really explain why, but why question a good thing?

--- I tend to have more women friends than guy friends. I can't quite explain this either.

--- Most people would describe me as quirky with a side of goofy. I'm absolutely 100% fine with that description.

If you tend to smile a lot, laugh easily and can giggle at yourself, I'd love to hear from you :)

I've had a couple women who weren't interested simply send me notes telling me how much they enjoyed my profile.

Gee, thanks. Appreciate it. I'm a clever writer occasionally. Well, I already knew that, but thanks for stopping by and teasing me with your adoration of my ability to put a noun and very in conjunction together to entertain you.

But I digress.

Women are completely the reason I ceased dating in the first place.

"Oh my God, your arm is disgusting! Cover that up or I'm leaving."

"Oh geez, you're bleeding on my dress! Do you know how much I paid for this?! Dumb fucker!"

"Dialysis? Seriously, I don't want to get AIDS."

The preceding were NOT exaggerations. Up until the moment when Dialysis reared His yellow fangs and bloodshot eyes, these women seemed friendly, cordial and more than willing to indulge in my presence.

Still, I forge ahead in my unending search for Mrs. Stacy Without An E.

Stay tuned for First Date Jitters, First Date Titters coming soon...

3 comments:

  1. "Let me include my profile text and see if this provides any sort of spark for my female readers to respond"

    Stacy, I wouldn't share so much like the transplants and the ports in your arm until you can get to know a girl (2nd date at least). That can be tough on someone to take in. Let someone get to know YOU not the kidney issues (at least not right away).

    Billie

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  2. That's actually really good advice. Thank you for posting.

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  3. Stacy,

    You're better off. Dating on dialysis is a b*tch. You always feel like you're grateful that someone wants to take on damaged goods, if you are on food/fluid restriction, not really many restaurants to go to that you actually want to eat anything that they will have on your diet there. (A glass of ice and white toast anyone?) And if you have a catheter, forget doing anything physical, doctors don't want you to do anything too strenous that may pull it out of your body. For all that, you can just stay home Saturday night and watch Headbangers Ball with a glass of ice and a piece of white toast and avoid paying for someone else to have fun while you worry if you'll get a second date or if your permacath will yank out. See, dialysis does have some good points. Less money spent, less worry about what you'll wear Saturday night and less headaches. I'm engaged myself (with no cath or restrictions), but I do hear people talk and this is largely how many people on dialysis feel.

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