Monday, October 06, 2008

Mindless Stacy Trivia

I was forwarded this by a friend and instead of forwarding it on (which I despise doing) I instead felt it was my duty as an e-mailing American to answer the following dopey questions:

1. Where is your cell phone?

In my pocket next to my twigs and berries. Because of the minute amount of radiation it emits, I'm probably sterile.

Most of the female population just breathed a collective sigh of relief.

2. Your significant other?

My scooter Rita. She likes to be ridden.

3. Your hair?

Nappy and dry, listless and rye. Originally dark brown but giving way to shades of gray. Receding in front and on top due to endless Dialysis treatments. I will one day gather numerous squirrels together and create a rather freakish wig that will smell of nutmeg and pine.

4. Your mother?

Lovely and silly, prone to flights of wackiness.

5. Your father?

In much more pain than I would ever wish on my worst enemy. My only salvation is that I can still make him laugh.

6. Your favorite thing?

Being in the presence of beautiful women who don't find me repulsive.

7. Your dream last night?

I was part of this submarine crew and we were exploring the depths of the Baltic Sea. There were two other men who were rather abusive to one another and a neckish blonde. She went on an expedition and came back to a meal of hard boiled eggs. Once the meal was over, she started having extreme abdominal pain. She regurgitated the eggs whole and then two more eggs that were bloody and veined.

Before we could stop it, there was a creature on board and the ship's oxygen and life support was dwindling and we were trapped. I woke up sweaty with a massive heart rate.

This is what four years of Dialysis treatments will do to your psyche.

8. Your favorite drink?

Odwalla Orange Juice when I feel like living large.

9. Your dream?

It's simple yet cliche but very all-American. Neckish raven haired temptress with a wacky sense of humor who can't keep her hands off of me. Two beautiful kids, a boy and a girl, who possess no health ailments whatsover.

Everything else is negotiable.

10. The room you're in?

Toiling away in my office because we have a hugely time consuming consultant meeting tomorrow and I don't want to get behind.

11. Your fear?

To never be deserving of someone's love.

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years?

A published novelist whose health does not prohibit him from visiting family and friends on a regular basis.

13. Where were you last night?

Watching the Steelers fight back from a deficit to take down the Jaguars. I love stories like this that display incredible character and strength.

14. What you're not?

Civil and politically correct.

15. Muffins?

Never. Give me a wonderfully plain donut with nothing added and I'm happy.

16. One of your wish list items?

A cadaver kidney that doesn't turn me into a complete serial killer.

17. Where you grew up?

In the armpit of California, otherwise known as the San Joaquin Valley. It's flooded with gang members and meth labs now.

18. The last thing you did?

Bled all over the floor of the Dialysis clinic and vomited in the hallway bathroom. Par for the course of the thirteenth hole of my life.

19. What are you wearing?

New Skinny Men's Levi's, Converse low-tops, Old Navy boxers and my classic Steeler jacket. I wear it after every win.

20. Your TV?

I haven't turned my TV on in over a year. I watch "Heroes" and "The Office" on my computer now. NetFlix & rule.

21. Your computer?

Is my bestest friend ever sometimes.

23. Your life?

Half past dead.

24. Your mood?

Surly and uncensored.

25. Missing someone?

My parents dog T.J. He passed away about six weeks ago due to cancer. They were going to let him die naturally, but in his final hours he glanced up at them with those big brown eyes and they just knew he was suffering too much.

They had him put down and buried him on their ranch with his favorite blanket, favorite chew toy and his peanut butter ball.

I'm getting tears in my eyes knowing I'll never get to see him again.

26. Your car?

My faithful 2000 Chevy S-10 pickup. It's so much like me: not a lot of power, not a lot of strength, but it will never be stopped.

27. Something you're not wearing?

A hat. Makes my head look ginormous.

28. Favorite Store?

Target. You can get anything and everything there and it's a great place to meet women.

29. Your summer?

Spent mostly in bed. And not the good kind of "in bed." The nauseous kind.

30. Your favorite color?

Midnight blue. It's a really dark blue one shade short of black.

31. When is the last time you laughed?

Earlier today with my co-worker Michelle. Everyone is always wondering what we're laughing about in my office.

32. Last time you cried?

It was at Dialysis, but not for the reasons you think. I was watching a really tender scene in a movie and I couldn't help myself.

33. Three of my favorite foods:

This is an interesting question because I've noticed it's morphed over the last four years of treatment.

A homemade Bacon Cheeseburger smothered in mayonnaise and mustard.

A veggie burrito with extra sour cream.

A BLT on sourdough bread.

That'll do. I'm a pretty simple guy when it comes to food.

34. Four places I'd rather be right now:

a) Any beach where the sunshine is as plentiful as the bikini clad women.
b) In a spaceship heading toward my home planet of Slurb.
c) Under the covers of my bed with a short-haired brunette who's just getting started.
d) Playing with my nephew and niece and making them laugh.

Thank you and good night.

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