Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Christmas @ Dialysis

Santa Claus has never visited a Dialysis clinic. Nor has Jesus. Or God.

But wacky Social Workers have.

I dread Christmas every stinking year at treatment, mostly because of one unique, yet no longer employed, social worker.

Let's call her Marilyn.

That's right, because she was shaped just like Miss Monroe.

Hold on. I'm enjoying her image in my mind.

Ssshhh. You're ruining the moment.

Ok, I'm done.

One year it was decided that bingo would be a fantastic way to enjoy our time at clinic.

On paper, seems like a nice enough plan. In execution, terribly annoying.

I'm trying to watch "The Shawshank Redemption" to slip a little hope into my subconscious (because Dialysis steals it at every turn) and all I can hear is, "B4! Does anyone have B4?"

BEFORE we started this whole endeavor, one of my favorite films of all time swept me away into the early part of the twentieth century. Now you're yelling characters at characters who would rather be sleeping or watching TV.

But that wasn't the best part.

At least half of our clinic doesn't speak English. I glanced around to find our Mexican brethren wondering why this shapely woman was yelling at them.

Another wonderfully woeful Christmas, a Karaoke machine was lugged onto the clinic floor.

You know, as a terminal Dialysis patient, I love nothing better than listening to PCT's belt out a Kenny Loggins tune while my arm is burning at 10.2 on the Stacy scale.

Worst Dialysis Christmas ever? Not by a long shot.

Three years ago it was decided that Christmas carolers should be unleashed upon us unwilling souls in an effort to save us from eternal damnation.

Nothing better than celebrating Jesus' birthday while a group of devout Christian's bellow songs about an invisible, imaginary being damning me to hell for my sins.

Before they left, one of the elderly women believed it was her job to save me.

"I understand you've been here a while."

"Ugh, well, yes maam, I have."

She reminded me instantly of Angela Lansbury from the "Murder, She Wrote" days. Unfortunately, her mystery of the week was me.

"So what did you do?

My headphones fell to my lap like they were trying to escape.

"I'm sorry, ugh, huh? What?"

"What did you do to end up here?"

I was astonished by her bravado. Apparently devout Christian faith allows you to meddle in others personal affairs.

"What sin did you commit my son?"

I was taken aback for a moment.

"Not that its any of your business, but I was born with Glomerulonephritis. I was born this way."

This is why that whole "created in his own image" malarkey doesn't fly with me.

Her eyes glanced upward as she stroked her chin.

"Then what sin did your father commit?"

Fortunately, Tall Lanky Tech came by to take down my numbers.

I gave her a conciliatory "Merry Christmas" as I returned my headphones to their regular leave-me-alone position.

She wandered off, shaking her head.

If they decide to shuffle their holier than thou masses into clinic again this year, I'm ready for them.

In my DVD case, inside a sandwich bag, is a fully loaded water pistol.

If the Judge and Jury of my condition returns, she will get a face full.

Since the water wasn't blessed by a man of the cloth, I wonder if her face will melt.

I can't wait to find out.

Merry Dialysis Christmas.


  1. ROTFL...I hate to say it but I have either participated or witnessed what you described. Not that holier then thou lady though, not cool...great idea for the water pistol though!

    Fortunately or unfortunaely, depending on my mood, my clinic in Seattle can care less what day it is, the most festive thing we have done was throw some tensil on a house plant. :)

  2. That "lady" is NO christian!

  3. HA! Your post and the previous comment put me in mind of one of my favorite "angry atheist" blogs (excerpt below). If you want to work up some righteous indignation for the holidays, Stacy, check out Greta's entire list of things about religion that make her angry.

    Joyous Soltice!

    "I get angry when believers respond to some or all of these offenses by saying, 'Well, that's not the true faith. Hating queers/ rejecting science/ stifling questions and dissent... that's not the true faith. People who do that aren't real (Christians/ Jews/ Muslims/ Hindus/ etc.).' As if they had a fucking pipeline to God. As if they had any reason at all to think that they know for sure what God wants, and that the billions of others who disagree with them just obviously have it wrong."

  4. I have not been approached so boldly, but I have felt that from a couple people. What did I do to deserve this? They are not true Christians.

  5. That is HORRIBLE! How could anyone be that narrow minded and cruel? I'm so sorry that happened to you! On another note, your new page colors are killin' my eyes!

  6. If they are Christian, they are very ignorant of the bible. Next time these ignorant Christians harras you, quote them John 9:2.

    "1As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"

    3"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life".

    God bless. I have just prayed for you.