Saturday, April 12, 2008

The Fateful of Dialysis

One day all the frightening, disgusting and absolutely horrifying events that have transpired at my Dialysis clinic will be documented, leading to eventual critical acclaim and undeniable fame.

Until then, I share them with you dear Blog Reader.

One of the first times I ever was forced to endure Dialysis during the day, I discovered I wasn't alone in my absolute disgust with the whole process.

After the obligatory hookup I heard a tiny voice to my left. In an effort to be subtle I acted as though I was grasping for one of my items on the tiny mini-table the chair provides. This allowed my head to turn and my eyes and ears to tune into the side wall of the clinic.

This poor shriveled woman barely filled the massively oversized seat. Her body was limp, but her eyes told the story. She was in unbearable pain. And there was nothing anyone could do about it.

I was about to apply my headphones when I heard a whisper. With the odd acoustics of the clinic, it was hard to determine the direction of the origination.

It was coming from her. And it was chilling.

"Just let me die. Please God, just let me die."

I get a little teary eyed just reciting this story to you.

A few treatments later, she disappeared. I asked what had happened to her and the tech was rather nonchalant about her fate.

"Oh, she decided to stop Dialysis. She passed away a couple of days later."

I know in my heart that one day I will be too old to survive another kidney transplant and will be forced to endure Dialysis just to stay alive. No hope for a transplant that will never come.

And I will make the same decision the elderly woman did. And it will bring me untold peace.

I find a little comfort in the fact that she imprinted herself on my memory. And in doing so, she had one last glimmer of life.

Which, in the end, is all we can really ask for.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Tidbits O' Stacy

It's post-Dialysis and I can't complete a coherent thought without it dripping from my mind and shattering all over the carpet leaving disgusting mind shards everywhere.

Thus, I welcome you to little Tidbits O' Stacy, tasty and knowledgable little annoying facts about yours truly. They go down easy but leave a bitter aftertaste.

You have been warned.

--- Vicodin doesn't really agree with me anymore. Trust me, I've tried. This is how my body keeps me from being addicted to anything. So yes, I'm grateful.

--- BLT's are still tasty and Crystal Corners in the Whole Foods Market Shopping Center in Santa Rosa make the best. Chock full of bacon three to one over lettuce and tomato. Now that's the perfect BLT.

--- I signed up with an internet dating site and after eight days on the site have had no success whatsoever. Just like in real life. Fancy that.

--- I can't see myself voting for any of these goofballs in the 2008 election. Where's Pat Paulsen when you need him? (Previous statement will not be understood by anyone under 30. Thank you.)

--- I wish people who protest about actions around the world would be half as passionate about what's going on in this country.

--- Christina Ricci is a fine female specimen and I can't wait to see her play Trixie in "Speed Racer." By the way, guess who's getting special early screening passes? Sometimes working in radio does pay off. If you're nice to me I might take you.

--- Beefy, preening idiots who glance over and say, "Don't lift much do ya?" at the gym should mind their own fucking business. You try lifting any weight after undergoing painful Dialysis treatments you waste o' space.

--- I drop food on the floor of my office all the time and the next day it's miraculously gone. Either giant spiders or carpet gnomes are to blame.

--- I've always had a thing for nurses. They have never had a thing for me.

--- Sometimes when I'm stuck in traffic I imagine the side walls of the truck bed fold out to make triangular wings. The back of the truck folds down and a tail fin suddenly rises. Then I fly over the traffic to parts unknown. Then the guy behind me honks his horn and curses and I'm back to square one.

--- One day I will be the voice of a really popular cartoon character. And he'll annoy you just as much as my radio show does. And your kids will love it.

--- When I'm out of salsa dip for my chips I'll sometimes grab the butter and use is as such. You have no idea how delicious this tastes.

--- If I suddenly became President, I'd bring the troops home and have them guard our borders. An American military solider posted every fifty feet or so, even on the beach, doesn't bother me in the least. You can thank me later.

--- If people wouldn't stare so much, I'd wear the same jeans, t-shirt and Converse every stinkin' day. No, not the same outfit. I'd have twenty versions of each and rotate them evenly because I'm that anal-retentive.

--- A quick note to women at the gym: when you wear clothing with words spelled out on your ass, yes, I'm going to stare. I can't see very well and sometimes I'm just trying to make out what is written there. I'm a curious guy. When you give me dirty looks it just tells me you're a hypocrite.

--- To Pouty Lipped Blonde @ Dialysis: you're not better than everyone else and I wish you'd quit acting as such. Sometimes beauty is only on the outside.

--- Another law I'd enact as President: An Eye for An Eye. You rob my skinny ass, I am allowed to rob you of items of equal or greater value. You kill a member of my family, I am allowed to do the same in return. Only I get to choose how you die. Boiling in oil or stoning sound pretty good right about now.

--- If it wasn't for a conscientious programming staff, the salespeople would put any crappy commercial on the air. They don't care because they don't listen.

--- The only reason I'm working out five days a week is so I can look good naked. And who knows, I may actually be naked with a women again before the end of the decade.

--- I'm a boring eater. I have a couple BLT's, a couple veggie burritos and an occasional salad each and every week. I also go to the same eateries. And I've worked for the same company for ten years. Driven the same truck for eight. Had the same best friend for fifteen. I'm a creature of habit and those habits are tedious to others, but not to me.

--- I only undress you with my eyes because I think you're beautiful.

--- Most people either love me or hate me, there's no middle ground. The ones I annoy the most I call friends.

--- I often don't write in my blog because I'm afraid of not meeting my personal expectations for my writing. As far as this entry, too late.

--- One of the salespeople has an ass so wide that when she stands in the hallway sideways no one can get by. Ever. She always gives people a dirty look as though there's enough space, but there's not. Not even for Stick Boy Me. And then she spends the time after lunch stinking up the hallway because she won't flush her biggest accomplishment of the day. I try not to hate but...oh, to hell with it. I hate her and I wish she'd leave.

--- If my parents knew how much I miss them every day it would make them even sadder. They still blame themselves for my condition which is ridiculous. It's obvious God gave me my lot in life as a joke. I'm His Action Figure and I'm broken. Which is why I'm in the corner under the bed with His other broken toys.

--- People who expect the government to pay their way infuriate me to no end. Whatever happened to American ingenuity and gumption? With every generation it seems to be lacking more and more. It saddens me and angers me all at the same time.

--- If I could have any superpower I'd want to be invisible. Then Dialysis couldn't fine me and I could hide until the end of time. And I could be naked a lot more without anyone giving a damn. Being naked rules.

--- Dogs, kids and the elderly love me. Everyone else, not so much.

Thank you and good night.