Tuesday, June 03, 2008

First Date Jitters, First Date Titters

One cardinal rule of internet dating is: Don't Waste Time Chatting While You Could Be Out There Discovering How Awful She Truly Is.

Seriously, it's a good idea not to chat too long online because the chemistry you think you have can simply be a digital facade.

We chatted for about three days online about miscellaneous details about our everyday lives. She had lovely raven hair and striking blue eyes.

And if you know anything about me, raven haired women drive me clinically insane to the point of not thinking through my decisions. Later I find myself bathing in a pool of icky regret that gloms on to my psyche and haunts me for approximately forever.

I decided to take her to a casual little Italian place behind the Napa Town Center that Yelp.com helped me find.

Dating Rule #1: Always check online reviews before a first date dinner. You'll thank me ferociously later.

I arrived right on time and performed my best DeNiro denial. I took the shock of her appearance and stuffed it into the back pocket of my mind. She was at least sixty pounds heavier than her photos.

Your immediate reaction is probably, "That's not nice Stacy. You shouldn't base your opinion of a person on their appearance. Tsk tsk.

Oh, but I should. Basically, by not showing your true colors in your profile, you've lied to me before we even meet. Honesty is huge with me, along with trust and loyalty.

Dating Rule #2: Everyone lies online.

It gets better though. From the moment we ordered she began to talk non-stop about herself:


Not one moment to speak. Not one iota of time to ask about yours truly.

Dating Rule #3: Always have an out.

Since I had worn my optimist shoes, I had already planned to take her to play pool. I must admit this almost salvaged the entire evening because we did have fun. Old school dating rules tell you to let her win, but for whatever reason I couldn't allow that to occur.

To her credit she did send me a nice e-mail the next day thanking me for dinner and pool. It's just there was too much to consider a second date even remotely possible.

Before the night even began, my only hope for tonight was to get out of the house and gain some of my confidence back after being so beaten down by my condition.

I was hoping to have a date every Saturday night for most weekends this summer, but that is more difficult then it sounds. I must admit to a good volume of clicks on my profile at Match.com but very few e-mails.

This tells me my picture isn't what's turning them away. But I have a theory.

When I search through the profiles I find that most women want men anywhere from six feet to seven foot two.

It's too bad. Short, slender nerdy dorky guys can be a helluva lot of fun.

If you'd just give me a chance.

Dating Rule #4: Never give up, never surrender.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

The Stacy Dating Attempt 2008

Modern dating seems to be a fruitless endeavor I only continue to endure simply so I won't be home sulking on Saturday nights.

Or I forge ahead because the entertainment value is equal to that of a really mediocre Rob Schneider movie.

Quite possibly, I'm just tired of being alone.

As we glance back through the pages of the reference volume known as "Stacy's Past Dates" we find that the last six months there have been no new chapters to guffaw to.

This is because I simply gave up.

Now you must understand I have a problem.

I love women. No wait, I LOVE WOMEN! They're fascinatingly frustrating creatures that I simply wish to be in the presence of every moment of every day.

And this is where the problem lies.

My desire for women is inversely proportional to their indifference.

I now have a profile on both Yahoo Personals and Match.com.

Pure genius, right? Not really. It just doubles my rejection level for twice the price.

Let me include my profile text and see if this provides any sort of spark for my female readers to respond:

The Super Happy Fun Stacy LNF (Little Known Facts):

--- Most days I talk into a microphone for 4 or 5 hours making things up that sometimes get me into trouble.

--- I tend to inadvertently kill plants. I either over water or over sun. Balance is obviously something I'm still working on.

--- I've survived two kidney transplants and a lot of Dialysis. All this means is I've developed a huge appreciation for the smaller moments in life that most people ignore.

--- BLT's are the most perfect meal ever. A close second is the burrito with extra sour cream.

--- I believe George Carlin, Jim Henson and Phil Hendrie are all creative geniuses. You don't have to listen to any of them if you don't want to.

--- I tend to laugh at my own jokes. At least someone's being entertained.

--- I haven't reached my full potential. Anyone who says they have is lying or just lazy.

--- I laugh quite a lot when I'm in the company of just the right people.

--- My most awful horror movie would be filled with giant spiders attacking me at the top of a skyscraper while I'm dangling in a tiny, tiny elevator.

--- I workout five days a week, but not for the reasons you might think. A healthy lifestyle is highly underrated.

--- I hold open doors, let people in front of me in traffic and use my blinker. These are looked upon as rather strange and bewildering acts in the Bay Area.

--- Dogs and babies love me. I can't really explain why, but why question a good thing?

--- I tend to have more women friends than guy friends. I can't quite explain this either.

--- Most people would describe me as quirky with a side of goofy. I'm absolutely 100% fine with that description.

If you tend to smile a lot, laugh easily and can giggle at yourself, I'd love to hear from you :)

I've had a couple women who weren't interested simply send me notes telling me how much they enjoyed my profile.

Gee, thanks. Appreciate it. I'm a clever writer occasionally. Well, I already knew that, but thanks for stopping by and teasing me with your adoration of my ability to put a noun and very in conjunction together to entertain you.

But I digress.

Women are completely the reason I ceased dating in the first place.

"Oh my God, your arm is disgusting! Cover that up or I'm leaving."

"Oh geez, you're bleeding on my dress! Do you know how much I paid for this?! Dumb fucker!"

"Dialysis? Seriously, I don't want to get AIDS."

The preceding were NOT exaggerations. Up until the moment when Dialysis reared His yellow fangs and bloodshot eyes, these women seemed friendly, cordial and more than willing to indulge in my presence.

Still, I forge ahead in my unending search for Mrs. Stacy Without An E.

Stay tuned for First Date Jitters, First Date Titters coming soon...