Monday, September 08, 2008

The Stacy Affliction

I have no fathom of a clue why I keep trying.

My heart quickens. Anticipation brews. Possibilities endless.

And it all ends quicker than it began.

"I, um, well, ugh...I think I have a boyfriend."

Good acting there sister. I'll grab you one of those plastic Spencer Gift Emmy's and leave it on your doorstep.

"You're a nice guy but..."

Oh fuck me with the "...nice guy, but" routine. I wake up suddenly covered in sweat with those words shooting from my lips.

"I don't want to catch Dialysis."

What are you, an infant? The only thing you can realistically catch from me is cooties because that's the only source of nutrition curdling through my veins.

"I don't date short guys."

I don't date tall whores. So I guess we're even.

Tonight though, tonight is the Grandmaster of Rejection's in the History of Stacy Dating.

You may want to grab a huge bowl of astonishment. Or thrust your hand into a box of un-fuckin-believable.

"I'd rather watch reality TV and eat Top Ramen then spend time with you."

She wasn't exaggerating. That's EXACTLY what she was doing.

I was a huge fan of Survivor the first season. And Top Ramen helped me graduate from college.

But the two, together, melded into an evening of entertainment is more desirable than my presence??

Well, fuck me.

No, I don't suppose you will.