Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Lowest Common Denominator of Humanity

You want to know what my biggest complaint about my Dialysis clinic is?

It's not the staff (they're awesome) or the debilitating pain (it's awful) or the amount of time it steals from my life (plenty.)

It's the patients.

Don't get me wrong, when I first started, I tried to make friends. Tried to give my fellow members of mankind a chance to know me.

After numerous sneers, snubs and snot nosed grins, I eventually gave up.

I'm a Veteran of Dialysis and I believe after surviving four and a half years of humilating escapades at this place, I believe I've earned the right to ask for just one simple request.

Turn down your motherfucking TV.

Jesus H, God in heaven almighty, there is never a good time to turn "Friends" up to full volume.

"Oh, I'd tap that Chandler. He could take my hand, rip off my LALALALALALALALALA!"

There is never a good time to hear a seventy year old woman say, "I'd tap that."

Never. Uh uh. No way.

As a gentleman was being taken off the machine, he pontificated, "You know, if the Confederacy had won, I could have a slave doing this."

Was that some sort of History Channel joke? Are you trying to get a rise out of your black PCT?

But these past annoyances are distracting me from the extremely unbelievable present one.

From the moment I walked up to my chair I knew there was going to be trouble.

Because the DEBATE WAS AT FULL VOLUME.

Since my life is a no-sum game, I enjoy listening to the debate in the comfort of my office while scheduling music after treatment. That way, when I scream about Obama's economic policy or McCain's immigration reform plans, no one will hear my vile language.

Once again, I digress.

I told Tall Good-Guy Tech that I was not happy. He said he'd do his best to find her headphones, but it's unlikely she would wear them.

"That McCain, that McCain, that McCain is a loser. Such a fuckin' rich loser. Criminal fuck."

Fine. You have an opinion about one of the candidates. None of us want to hear it at the top of your lungs.

"Obama! Ugh, that Obama is a n*****. I'm not voting for no n*****."

I closed my eyes for a moment to dredge up some inner peace as I placed all my items on the adjoining table.

This was unbearable and unacceptable. I could sense two hours of boiling rage inadvertently bubbling to the surface.

As the PCT (Patient Care Technician) hooked up my needles, she began to berate her nurse.

"Where the fuck is she? She probably went on her two hour break. Fuckin' nurses. I hate them. Hatehatehate those fuckers."

Some amusement did present itself when she tried to tell time.

"I, well, um, ugh, Christ fuck. I have thirty minutes left, so I won't, I won't, well...ugh fuck! I'm not going to fuck this place until, um, like, well...ten o'clock. Fuckin-a."

It was presently 6:30pm.

As the nurse approached her to supply her medications, I knew this wouldn't be pretty.

"Uh, oh, here comes the Filipino nurse. Are you one of those dirty Flip's or a good Flip."

I tried to give that nurse a look like I was willing to slam my DVD player closed and fling it at her ugly mug.

Some people wonder why people who work in the Dialysis field get so tired and burnt out.

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I give you Exhibit A thru ZZZ.

Tall Good-Guy Tech did his best to get her to turn down her volume, but once he walked away to help another patient she responded with...

"Fucker turned down my TV. Nobody turns down my motherfuckin' TV. This is my TV motherfuckers."

Now it was louder than before.

What I could only guess was a family member came in, sat down and said very little. He looked to either be her father or grandfather as she was middle aged. The look in his face screamed, "I'd rather burn off my chest hairs with a blow torch than deal with this creature."

"That fucking guy's a n*****, but he's a smart n*****."

I'd had more than my share of her rantings. I cranked up "Don't Mess with the Zohan" to full volume and did all I could not to go deaf.

Idiocy. Racism. Foul-mouthed and uncouth. This woman had it all for your Garden Variety Redneck.

Maybe I should introduce her to Confederacy Guy.